Trigger warning: Mentions of gender based violence
As India marks its 78th Independence Day, the nation is compelled to confront the stark irony of how far women in our country still remain from true independence. The bone-chilling rape and murder of a trainee doctor in Kolkata has sent ripples throughout the country, as thousands took to the streets condemning this grotesque brutality.
But this post isn’t about the murder, or how poorly the Bengal administration is handling the situation. It’s about one of the many domino effects it is causing across the country, one I felt I needed to point out. But before I do that, I want to mention, that I am not some “know-it-all” guy who is perfect in every regard. Each day, I am learning, and each day I try to do better, and this is me voicing my opinion out.
Not “All Men” Are “Those Men”
Since the night of the murder, women have taken to social media, voicing their concerns regarding their safety, and sharing their experiences of sexual harassment, assault, unwanted touching or groping and expressing their disgust and anger towards the inhumane nature of the acts that “men” have been committing for so long. I’m sure you must have come across a few (if not a lot) of such posts/stories like I have.
Regardless of whether you’re a guy or not, it will shake you to your core, when you realise what women have to put up with on a daily basis. As I read through the comment sections of these posts, I noticed men (possibly even boys) reacting defensively to what they perceived as gender stereotyping. They were calling on women to either take down the posts or asserting that they, along with many other men, were not “those men.”
Some also pointed out that men, too, can be victims of crimes committed by women. The alarming thing was, in almost every post/story that women have made calling “men” out, I could find these “not all men” comments. A few women had to come out and repost stories clarifying that when they referred to “men” they didn’t mean all men.
If you’re a man upset at being lumped in with rapists, attackers, and general arseholes just because of your gender, I am sorry to tell you that your frustration is misplaced. You need to take it up with the men who are giving us a bad name instead of women who have to be on guard 24/7 because of them.
Of course, it’s not all men. Don’t you think women know that? However, it’s too many. So many that women are wary of EVERY man because they don’t know which ones are good or not. This is why it is generalised. So, maybe, put your male ego aside and try to understand that the “Not All Men” argument, while correct, is both an unhelpful and a derailing tactic. It’s dismissive to the point being made and borderline invalidation of a woman’s own bad experiences.
And look, I get it. I am a male too, and I get where you’re coming from. It is easy to feel defensive when you feel blamed for something you don’t think you are guilty of. But when you reply with #notallmen, you basically change the topic and shift the focus towards YOU and YOUR feelings, when quite frankly, it was NEVER about you in the first place. There are better responses, such as listening and acknowledging the woman’s pain and trying to understand her rather than immediately dismissing blame or fault of overall male behavior.
So, How Wrong Is Generalizing “All Men”?
Yes, while not all men are perpetrators or rapists, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Is the generalization of men by women actually wrong?” While you may not fall into the category of “those men,” which is basic decency, take a moment to reflect honestly, “Isn’t it possible that we still bear some responsibility?” Set your ego aside for a moment and consider this: Imagine you were in a casual locker room conversation with your friends, and someone shared an inappropriate picture of a female classmate, making disrespectful comments.
What did you do? Did you step in and call it out as wrong, or did you stay silent, succumbing to the peer pressure of the so-called brotherhood? While women are voicing their concerns and sharing their stories to raise awareness, did you comment with a #notallmen? Because if you did, it shows that you care little about women’s issues if it is not related to men. Were you dismissive of women’s experiences, accusing them of playing the ‘victim card’ or seeking attention when they spoke out about rape and sexual harassment?
Because if you did, consider how many other boys and men your words may have influenced. If you did any of the above or the many countless things through which men have been harassing women and getting away, then YES. YOU ARE A PART OF THE PROBLEM.
Before jumping onto the bandwagon of “not all men”, take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. Because the fact of the matter is, you do belong, in ways your fragile masculinity can’t even comprehend, in the category of “those men.”
I mean, is it so tough to be a ‘decent man’? Don’t rape. Treat women with respect. Ask for her consent. Are following these rules that tough? Dear men, if you haven’t realised it yet, the gap of mistrust between men and women is widening. The fear in women towards men is growing.
We men can’t fully comprehend the parallel scenarios that might be going through a women’s mind each time she goes out. To always be prepared to defend, to remain constantly in fight or flight mode. To double-check if all doors are locked, to check for cameras in public washrooms, and to share live location with friends and family while travelling, all in hopes that they don’t become the next to suffer. And yes while I agree that crimes are committed against men too, today is not about what is happening to us. It’s about what we are doing to women and how we can be better. Not just today. Every day.
So, if you’re a man:
- Don’t just care for the women you are attached to or related to. Commit yourself to be a part of the solution every day and not just on the days a woman’s death goes viral.
- Call out your mates when they’re talking trash about women, even if it results in them calling you a “coward”. Even if it means falling out with them.
- If you don’t possess knowledge about male violence and consent, educate yourself first. Then, educate your mates, your male colleagues, brothers.
Conclusion
True masculinity doesn’t stem from undermining or controlling women. True masculinity is about strength, but not in the sense of domination or control. Instead, it’s about being strong enough to support, protect, and uplift others. As Vir Das famously said, “hate is yelled but love is felt.”
So, after today, if you feel women are yelling out hate, choose to show compassion so that your love is felt. Choose to be understanding, especially in sensitive times like these. First, let us change. Let us make the society a safer place for women to live. The women of our country deserve better. We as men can do better. So, let us do better.