Today has been a tough day just like all the days of this month due to the shortage of water, the unbearable heatwave, the mother-in-law’s need for medical assistance, my struggle to rediscover myself, and luxury problems like matching the time among the maid, water supply and spouse’s office timing.
However, it isn’t tough because it can be the case with 160 million housewives in India. What has stayed badly with me since my childhood is the common knowledge of the gap between the sex ratio. And it came back to me this very afternoon when a physically weak woman in her 20s came to me and asked if I had studied medicine. After I negated her question and asked for the reason. Her exact words were:
“लड़का है या लड़की ये पता करना है।” (“I want to know if its a boy or a girl?“)
After further questioning from me whether she is pregnant or not. She said “अभी तो नहीं हूं, पर पहली लड़की हुई और उसमें भी सास ने बहुत बुरा व्यवहार किया, घर पर डिलीवरी कराई। ननद ने भी खूब सुनाया। अब सब कह रहे हैं कि दवा करवा लो तो लड़का हो जाएगा। मेरे जानने वाले ने करवा लिया तो हो गया। अब बस एक लड़का हो जाए। पति तो कुछ नहीं बोलते वैसे, लेकिन सबके बोलने पर कहते रहते हैं करवा ही लो।” (“I am not pregnant yet, but when I had my first daughter my mother-in-law treated me very badly and got her delivered at home. Sister-in-law also taunted me a lot. Now everyone is asking me to get on medications for a boy as someone we know delivered a boy after taking medicines. My husband usually doesn’t say anything but when everyone asks, he keeps saying, “Get it done.”)
I dumbfounded myself with this narration. Then I started understanding how she thinks about all this. The lady responded “हमको तो कोई फ़र्क़ नहीं पड़ता है। कोई भी हो। सच कहें तो पहली pregnancy में तो मुझे दूसरे महीने में ही पता था कि लड़की होगी। मुझे तो बहुत अच्छा लगा। मैंने किसी को नहीं बताया। बेटी का बहुत शौक था। सास और ननद ने तो एक मिठाई तक नहीं लाई घर पर। मेरे पति जहां नौकरी करते थे, वहां पे 10 किलो मिठाई बांटें थें।” (“It doesn’t matter to me whether it is a girl or a boy. To be honest, in my first pregnancy I knew in the second month itself that it would be a girl. I liked it very much and didn’t tell anyone because I really wanted to have a daughter. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law did not even bring home a single sweet on my daughter’s birth. “We had distributed 10 kilos of sweets where my husband worked.”)
With a smile, I asked her whether there was any difference between a boy and a girl. The woman immediately said “हम भी तो 3 बहनें हैं।”(“We are three sisters”)
When I enquired whether these saas-nanad were not the women or what. We both shared a good laugh. But again, her face turned pale and she said “सास कहती है बेटी को उसके पास छोड़ दो वो उसको सरकारी स्कूल में पढ़ाएगी, हम तो पढ़े नहीं, क्या बेटी को भी ना पढ़ाएंगे, हम तो उसको अभी प्ले स्कूल में भी एडमिशन करवाएंगे। कमा कर पढ़ाएँगे। इन लोगों का भी क्या करे, बस एक बेटा हो जाएगा अब। सबका सुनना पड़ता है।” (“My mother-in-law asks me to leave my daughter with her as she wants to educate her in a government school. I’m not educated that doesn’t mean I will leave my daughter uneducated as well. I have planned to get her into a play school also. I will earn and get my daughter educated. I just wish for a son to be born now, as we have to listen to everyone in the family as well.“)
I again fell into my trap. My younger self of 22 years old would have pushed her to call the women’s helpline number and get immediate support. After spending 7 years with the diverse communities in rural and urban setups, I choose to read the complaint through the physical, mental, financial, and social background. And we both came up with weird solutions after scientific explanations. I don’t know whether that was right or not. You are free to guide me.
I started with strong words and informed her that firstly, no medicine can get her the boy child. And if this horrifying step can even be possible in the future in my worst nightmare, then also, a man needs to take the pills (with more explanation on Biology). After all, nature has chosen the men in the patriarchal society. Secondly, every pregnancy decreases the lifespan of women so, more and more abortions for a boy means the possibility of more and more pregnancies, resulting into decreasing her natural lifespan.
What do other people lose in this process? The Husbands. The Saas. The Nanads. A woman goes through those illegal ways of determining the child’s sex, taking pills full of side effects, multiple abortions and pregnancies along with a lifetime of trauma and guilt with obvious physical and mental changes.
Even after getting through the vicious cycle of life and death, who will guarantee the son and the son worth having to extend the family?
The woman in distress tried to lighten the moment by saying “ऐसा लगता है खानदानी ज़मीन है जिसको देने के लिए वारिश चाहिए। वैसे एक पैसा नहीं खर्च करते हैं ये लोग, सास कहती हैं तुम इलाज कराओ मैं पैसा दूंगी।” (“It feels like my in-laws have generational wealth that they want an heir to pass it on for. They don’t spend a penny otherwise, but my mother-in-law asks me to get treated for having a son which she will pay for.”
Anyway, let’s talk about the solution which we culminated. I asked her if we would lie about the child’s gender and she would again have a daughter, would that be a problem for her and her husband? She replies “नहीं, हम दोनो को तो अच्छा ही लगेगा, उसके बाद कोई कुछ नहीं कर पायेगा।” (“no, me and my husband will like it only, and nobody will be able to do anything about it.“)
The suggestion was for her to get pregnant and then we would ask someone to call her and tell her the gender of the child is a boy based on the mood swings and physical condition the way, women in communities discuss and debate. We both had a good laugh again with the strict advice from me to not forget to get registered with the ASHA worker in her area who can be a counselor for her family and for her to deliver in the hospital instead of at home along with the benefit of access to required medicines and nutrient-based food.
Obsession for having a boy means what?
If you need the food, you look for a woman,
if you need nursing, you look for a woman,
if you seek maturity, you look for a woman,
if you want to celebrate, you look for a woman to plan,
if you need a shoulder to cry, you look for a woman,
if you expect the decoration, you again look for a woman,
Oh yes, where the money is concerned, you want that too. But you forget to invest in her education and her life.
But you want to have a SON. Are you even worthy enough to be a parent of a son? With these mindsets?