Quitting my job and moving abroad with my husband: Why Marriage acts as a hindrance in women’s career?
I have seen married women, who had to sacrifice their careers after marriage. Unfortunately, this thing is only applicable for women, and not for the men. I mean, have you ever seen any man saying he had to lose his job to keep the marriage going or to be with his wife as her job location is in different city. But this is a painful reality for many women. Either they had to push so hard to balance work and home, so that they could continue their career. Or, they had to give up their career to be with their husband.
In my early 20’s, I was never quite sure of myself. I lacked confidence, even though I used to get good marks, had lot of good friends. As a child growing up in a middle-class environment, I led a protected and a life mostly controlled by parents. I would say I am still an introvert by nature, but I like to think that I have evolved and developed as a woman and as a person and still evolving.
At 23, after completing my graduation, I left home for my first job which was in Bhubaneshwar. This was not the first time I was leaving the comfort and security. of my home and taking off all alone to a different part. I used to stay in hostel during my Engineering days but there were very few things which I used to manage on my own, everything was either managed and by college or parents. Working in different city and state and the exposure that came with it, the freedom, and the independence of living on my own and making my own decisions, gave a tremendous boost to my self-confidence. I wouldn’t hesitate to speak up in a hall full of trainees from all over India. I felt like I had been given wings.
But life has its own twists and turns. Soon though, I got married, and now came another major point in my life, a point when I had to stop listening to others and take control. I had a stable job with decent pay, but the man I got married lived in a different country. And herein, I was faced with that never-ending question of whether I would prioritize my personal life over my career.
I knew I wanted to be with my husband but not by putting my career on the back burner. It had taken me 25 years to finally let myself find a guy who seemed just like my dream boy. But still I was quite unsure to get married at first. But my family made me understand that a good person cannot be found again and again, if someone likes you then you should marry him, all other things will fall into place if you get an understanding life partner. And it was only natural that they would want me to build a secure future for myself.
And yes, then I got married. A decently paid job, as far as I was concerned, could be found again (yes, I have the audacity to think that). But I had frequent arguments with my husband, and making a long-distance marriage work took its toll on both of us. But the big question remained. Would I be able to build a career for myself in a different country? Let alone a career, would I even find employment again, given the current job market? Everyone telling me I wouldn’t. Majority of the people I know are skeptical of my decision to leave. I am feeling like I have single-handedly taken feminism back a few years by choosing family over a job. I am being made to feel insecure and questioned my own abilities. All the confidence I had gathered during my career seemed to evaporate, making way for anxiety, self-doubt.
Mostly in India the society believes only a woman could provide for the emotional needs of the family. Specially the nurturing of a mother is vital in every child’s growing up. Therefore, the society asks, rather forces the women to quit their career. For them a women’s primary responsibility is her home, husband, career comes only after that. Whether consciously or unconsciously, many women in relationships put their careers on the back burner to let their partners grow.
But not in my case fortunately I got the best in husband and in laws who never forced me to do anything which I don’t want to do. It’s my choice that I am going to abroad to be with my husband and not anyone else’s. A part of my decision is mathematical too. Assume if you are living away from your husband, how many times in a year would the two of you meet. Calculate the flying cost and see if that figure helps you. I can tell for myself, If I continue working in my current job, I would have loved to meet my husband at least 3–4 times a year which would have danged a hole into our savings. This would always be a battle of the heart and the mind. But then I knew I could no longer let others determine my happiness, this was, after all, my life, and I will take charge. So, I am taking a call and will stand by it no matter how hard life gets from here on.
And here If I am choosing my relationship over my career that doesn’t mean I am not career oriented or not so ambitious. The initials days of marriage are important, and I don’t want to spend those fighting on phone calls and I am very confident that I won’t be dependent on him for survival there, I am sure I am going to find a more interesting and hopefully well-paid job.
More power to all the women putting so much efforts and balancing career and family together !!!