Living in an unknown city, making it my own a bit over 9 months has been a rollercoaster journey. Since my semester is over now, its time again to reflect back on all the emotions I felt all these months.
What I realized, I feel burdened, and a bit directionless. The subject I’ve pursued, did I do right? Seeing others around me so talented and effortless in their work, already doing and achieving so much, it brings back my past insecurities. I try to assure myself, my journey is different, there can’t be any comparison. But again, I’m a faulty human, who’s now doubting her own self worth.
These are the moments when I feel blue. Am I behind everyone else, do I really not know what to do? These questions cloud my mind nowadays, even as far as going actually wanting to end everything, including myself. Its so complex that I don’t know what to infer from them. Its a point of time I feel stuck, and can’t seem to trust myself.
My soul has been painted blue again, this time, the Prussian shade of blue – dark and rich. How to bring down its saturation, I’ve no idea, and perhaps will never have in my life. For the times I feel blue, I do some poetry, write out my jumbled thoughts, as I’m doing right now here.
I hope the next time I come here, I’ll have even an ounce of trust in myself, or for the least, I’ll not want to end everything. For the times I feel blue, I hope the next ones are warmer shade of yellow – promising and welcoming. For the times we all feel blue, may there be moments to keep us alive in this ever complex world; moments filled with simplicity only.