I remember complaining to my husband a few weeks back about a septuagenarian neighbourhood aunty. She would drop by every now and then to our ground floor house to make a small quick 2-minute conversation at our doorstep. I cribbed wondering why she keeps ringing my doorbell and bother me with her random chatter.
Then recently, I came across an article in The Economic Times on “Loneliness economy” which piqued my interest and got me doing some research on it.
“Loneliness” is said to be on the rise by many studies and organisations like WHO. Humans by nature are social animals and they need people to survive and function properly. Human connection is told to be as important and vital for survival as is food and water. Per scientific research, loneliness is believed to result in detrimental health effects on an individual. The health hazards of prolonged loneliness are considered to be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It fuels conditions like high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, depression, Alzheimer’s, cancer, dementia etc.
In a lot of countries, apps and websites like “Rent-a-friend” have sprouted, where people can hire a friend for a charge and go for dinners, movies or just simply sit with them and talk their heart out. There are apps even for providing professional cuddlers- people who offer non-sexual hugs to people and charge them by the hour. Hugs/ cuddles are said to be important because physical touch releases happy hormones and relieves a person of stress. Hugs not only makes an individual feel closer to the other person but also makes them happier with their own self.
After reading a lot on this topic, I realised that loneliness in today’s day and age may have been fuelled primarily by our lifestyle. The need for these kinds of apps has arisen because of the lack of real human connection in today’s virtual portrayal of lives and friends on social media. A lot of people do not have any real connection with anyone with whom they can chat or casually hug. It is important for each person to have atleast one person with whom they can share everything.
Many studies conducted in countries like the US, UK, Japan etc., have concluded that a lot of individuals feel lonely and say they do not have anyone whom they can lean on in crisis. More so, an alarming number of people say that despite staying at a place for a long time, their neighbours are strangers to them! So much so that the UK established world’s first ministry dedicated to addressing loneliness in the year 2018. Similarly, Japan appointed its first loneliness minister in 2021 as the suicide rates were on the rise in their country for the first time in 11 years.
The “Loneliness” epidemic seems to be charging towards India too with great ferocity. In the year 2017, the President of India, Mr. Ram Nath Kovind stated that India is facing a possible mental health epidemic. It is said that loneliness only exacerbates mental health issues for individuals.
The times that we have grown in and the way we are aping a lot of western styles may have left us more aloof than we ever intended. Maybe we all should really start to think about this and try taking action before it hits us hard in the face.
A few reasons come to mind that may have heightened loneliness and the way we can probably deal with them.
1. Creating walls of “privacy”
India, traditionally has had a very social and amiable culture. People in India have loved to meet and live together as a family and also as a community. The things that we now call as being “nosy” were earlier known as “helping” one another.
A lot of our grandparents and parents were raised in an environment where people did not take appointments to visit someone. Neighbours would just barge into homes or friends and relatives would just drop by, ofcourse you couldn’t call ahead during those times because phones were not a thing then. But I remember how my grandmother would get upset if 10 different people from the neighbourhood did not check on her when she was ill. That has changed now and one cannot ask a lot about someone’s health or any other matter as people get offended for asking them too many “personal” questions.
I have also grown in that kind of environment and never understood my grandparents’ method. But I have now come to realise that sometimes a small banter can also take you a long way in not feeling lonely. I now feel guilty for getting stirred by the neighbourhood aunty who comes every now and then at my door for a quick 2-minute conversation – maybe she was just looking for someone with whom she could make some conversation.
2. Living in nuclear families
These days it is not only when children get married that they prefer to move out of their parents’ homes but a lot of parents in India too prefer that children move out of the house after marriage. Living together requires adjustments from both sides and not many are willing to sacrifice their freedom or change their ways to accommodate a new person. I always thought that this was a good idea to keep peace and harmony amongst families, but with this new epidemic knocking at our door it gives me second thoughts on whether this decision is actually right or not.
3. The influence of ‘influencers” on Solo living
It is not only married couples that prefer living separately these days, but even people who have just started making their own money like to live away from their parents’ home. This trend has also been glamourised by social media influencers by showing how fancily they can decorate their own house or eat some exotic food which their traditional parents never liked like almond milk, quinoa, etc.
The freedom that solo living gives is great but it has also made us very rigid in our ways, making it difficult for us to be able to adjust to live with someone else. Solo living adds to loneliness: coming home to an empty nest with no one to greet you; managing even the smallest chore on your own – which can be very overwhelming at times; also, lot of times there is no motivation to cook food at home for a single person. It actually isn’t very alluring as it seems to live all alone.
4. Children being raised by external helps
It is a known fact that to raise emotionally mature adults, children should be around their loved ones (primarily parents or grandparents) than being completely raised by nannies or in day-cares. Though external helps are great for parents, but heavy dependency on them may distance a child from their parents. Confidence, self-worth, security and many more such qualities are developed in children when they grow up around their own parents on whom they have blind faith. When parents are busy, a lot of children become emotionally distant and may feel lonely in times of crisis as they will not trust their loved ones to be around them.
Both parents should take equal responsibility in raising children. Both parents should come a mid-way, take equal hit on their career trajectory and opt for flexible jobs to be more available for the children. Maybe we should change the perspective of a mother being the primary caregiver for a child. If both partners equally contribute in raising children, they would be closer to their parents and emotionally stronger.
5. Having meaningful conversation with family members
It is important to have meaningful conversations with family and friends. With internet, even people living in the same house are always on social media than talking to each other. A lot of people complain about millennials and gen Z being on phone all the time but even older generation are fascinated with whatsapp videos more than their own children or grandchildren. Living together is not enough but spending quality time with each other will help us fight loneliness. Maybe technology detox is something that we should all implement at our house (atleast for 1-2 hours in evening when everyone is at home) or at social gatherings more seriously.
I remember, a few years back when I had gone out for a new year’s party with a friend, I remember her only clicking pictures and uploading them on social media then and there, throughout the party! I really hadn’t enjoyed that new year party despite paying so much for it. I wished my friend had spoken or danced more with me that night which may have given me better memories of the NYE celebration.
6. Ease of technology
In a world of WFHs, online shopping (including grocery, medicines, etc) and virtual friends, we sometimes have no reason to step out of our house. Getting out in the real world under the blue skies and in fresh air helps lift one’s mood and also increases human interaction. Even though loneliness cannot be cured through superficial human interaction, but yet even a little exchange with someone can sometimes lead to greater conversation.
Say, you are a constant at one shop, then regular interaction with the shop owner may sometimes lead to longer conversation converting it into a meaningful relationship. I remember as a kid when I went to my native place in Rajasthan, I often accompanied my grandmother to buy veggies. She bought it from the same lady everyday. And she always spoke to her about her family and kids while she picked out her veggies. Pakli bai (yes, I still remember her name!) also knew everyone in our family and my bhuas especially went to meet her whenever they came to visit my grandmom. Those were the kind of human connection we had during those times!
7. Keeping up with Indian culture
Indian culture is all about festivals and large family gatherings at weddings or otherwise. Festivals and weddings are a great way to get the entire family together. It’s a great opportunity to connect with all the aunts, uncles and cousins. It helps build family bonds and in times of need you know you will have someone stand by you. Nowadays a lot of people like to do intimate weddings, but maybe a simple wedding but with maximum people may help us create better human connections.
8. Be like Eileen from the book The Switch by Beth O’Leary
I recently read this book and the protagonist of the book is a 79-year-old woman who likes to help people around. The story in the book shows how Eileen evolved over the years. In her younger days she would not interfere into her neighbour’s affairs because she thought it was not her place to poke into someone’s life. She later realises that meddling into someone’s life which may do them good should be done. Maybe we should take some inspiration from her, but with a pinch of salt?
9. Encouraging workplace friendships
Human interaction has also been said to increase productivity and reduce anger and violence in humans. Studies have confirmed that people who have friends at workplace, perform better and are less likely to leave an organisation. This made me remember how my husband always says when I go to my parents’ house during my children’s summer break it really affects him. The first time I had gone for a month, he thought he would really enjoy and have some peace at home. But in less than 2 weeks he realised how boring it gets if there is no one home. He thought he would have weekends to himself for his extra reading that he never gets time to catch up on when we are around. But soon he realised that his productivity had taken a hit when we weren’t there. He was so bored with nothing to do or no one to talk to that even despite all the time he had, he couldn’t find enough motivation to catch up on any of his extra work that he wished to do.
10. Alternative use of co-working spaces
In the era of freelancers and self-employment a lot of people find it difficult to work alone at home. With no one to talk to the entire day and staying within the same four walls of the house day in and out, people are feeling low and taking a productivity hit.
Mushrooming of co-working spaces has been a boon especially for such people. Apart from the right atmosphere to work it most importantly provides an opportunity to connect and meet people which is not possible if one is operating from home. Like writers always complain that writing is a lonely profession. This is a great opportunity for anyone working on their own to connect with people and combat loneliness.
11. Try to know your neighbours
A lot of millennials and Gen Z find society events very cheesy. But in fact they are a great way to meet and interact with neighbours and build connect with them. Sometimes it is difficult to have workplace friendships because of the competitiveness that colleagues have amongst themselves. But coming back home and chilling with friends in your building can be a great way to de-stress at the end of the day. Making an effort to be a part of the society events may encourage other like-minded people also to attend them and eventually some meaningful relationships can be built.
There are so many things I learnt growing up which was different from the generations before us but now it gets me thinking if we actually should take a few steps backwards? Should we find a mid-way to balance out everything. We should strive to remove the extremities that this half a century of culture has provide us with.