Have you ever had your heart broken in a non-romantic way? I am pretty sure you have. Something as intense as getting your heart ripped out and crushed by a single blow into an unrecognizable pulp, leaving a gaping hole in your chest, which is like a black hole consuming your existence?
Have you ever felt that you do not have the strength to move or think (forget about filling the gaping hole)? You are sleepless and yet fearful of the sleep as it dips into your subconscious, which then is just an abyss of nightmares. If these words are making you anxious, then you most definitely have!
It happened to me about 6-7 times on an annual basis. Okay. Maybe 2 to 3 times on an annual basis. The last of the 3-4 years (and a significant period after that) were as bad as they could be. I want to say, “No, I did not lose any loved one. No, I did not get mauled or injured. No, I did not lose anything in a gamble.” But sadly, all of this happened in a way. I lost a part of me forever. I got so terribly hurt that it seemed as painful as the most severe pain. I feel like I couldn’t walk straight. I gambled around 5-6 years, and I still cannot say it doesn’t affect me.
I prepared for an exam that, according to those around me, is the ultimate test of your knowledge, strength, resilience, patience, character, morality, and perseverance and is the ultimate gratification for any ‘good’ ‘hardworking’ student. What’s more? It comes with the added tag of being devoted to your country. This person sacrificed their ambitions for the higher goal of service, the (used/unused) power to transform the country, and forever be treated as an intellectual, an honourable member of the Indian society.
Further, your family, loved ones, and distant acquaintances would look at you with newfound respect. Yes, you guessed it right, especially if you are from the north Indian states of UP and Bihar. But I guess many people want to be part of this frame- whether it may be steel, stale, or stolen.
Forgive me for the sarcastic tone. I am also trying to speak to the other half of the people who view these achievers with ire for their contribution to a system which many (I mean many, many) times seems collusive, corrupt, immoral, and only muscle-flexed to show that the ultimate master of this country’s future lies in the hands of these noble guardians of this land and everything it holds.
Even when these achievers claim this, no one can ever question the merit of this statement or their ‘love’ for this land and dare not mention the delusion of this claim. In the end, these values of nobility, love for the country (and its countrymen? No matter how bothersome they are), honesty, and integrity are the core values on which the pillars of this institution ought to stand.
This is the justification for its existence and all its privileges (and narrative). However, apart from the core values, everything related to merit, knowledge, perseverance, etc. I would rather not comment on it as I have a conflict of interest there. It will sound like, “The grapes are sour!”
To my above thoughts, most people will say that maybe you were not the right fit. This mindset made you lose. To crack this, you needed to be more perseverant, optimistic, etc. Sue. I have said those things to myself as well. But this exceptionalism still bothers me. It bothers me to think that I could not produce what others could with resources (or even fewer) at my disposition.
I feel stupid as I see so many who are like me or are much less like me. Whether it is about being the right fit, being emotionally resilient, or luck. I still feel that all the arguments are in my disfavour. Maybe the old me (lost me, dead me) would distort the meaning of the comments like this.
“You are not the right fit.” ‘Good, I don’t fit into a box…”
“You did not work hard enough.” “So there is something else I can still work harder in the future.”
“It’s hard to reintegrate into the work ecosystem now. You’d probably lag.” “Thank God things are dynamic as maybe I can create something new for myself”
By the way, all of this may be laughable, but I guess one can have any private thoughts to build oneself up. But somehow, the experience leaves you bereft of hope, and all of this sounds hollow and laughable to oneself as well.
Further, I thought I would work as a researcher in a non-profit, at the forefront of (micro) social innovations, and find meaning in this chaos. However, I can never have the pride in the human service as those achievers (especially after the coloured perspective I have had for years, both within and outside the exam cycle ecosystem). I continue to feel like an underdog. I feel judged for revealing my choice to stay with social work with a smaller salary. I am either called delusional or incompetent.
Sometimes, I am seen as a cautionary tale or a lost cause. I often feel like my loved ones protect me like an injured bird. My loved ones also realize that I may not be accepted as a proud member of society without the shame of not making it. At best, those around me will accept my humble brag (garbed in lots of ‘littles’ and ‘smalls’ to describe my effort) and nothing more, even if I get to be more creative, innovative, opinionated, and even openly empathetic to highly politicized issues. Even if I also got skilled through an excellent formal education channel outside and after the grind of the exam and knowledge bestowed upon so-called ‘coaching institutes’ in the ecosystem. So, it’s safe to say that I am yet to find my pride.
Perhaps it has always been that. The learned rishi munis in ancient times would lose face and followers if they lost arguments. And here I am talking about a failure sanctioned by the state, enquired about all those around and mourned by every well-wisher. How could it be different?
But I wish it was different. I wish the exam were manageable and high stakes. I wish it were seen as a valuable job like a Doctor, Social entrepreneur, people’s advocate, Activist or any other empathetic career.
I wish I were allowed to fail in it and yet not be a failure. I wish people like me would not harbour trauma for years together. If they do, they overcome it and share how they became successful, valuable, and accomplished by overcoming obstacles due to loss of time, broken self-confidence, timely family expectations, responsibilities, etc. No, I don’t want to be part of a community identified as a result of yesteryear’s participation in a grand exercise.
But I surely want to know those humans who, despite the setback of the experience of “failing”, are knowledgeable (and regarded so), strong, resilient, patient, of notable character, moral, perseverant, and receive the gratification (even if not the illusionary ultimate gratification) for any ‘good’ ‘hardworking’ student. These days, there are so many stories of the achievers, those who made it, how they did it, what they overcame, and how glorious and noble they all are.
While ’12th Fail’ might be a cinematic representation of such a story, numerous such stories (indeed unique in their manner) are available on any exam preparation portal, websites, YouTube videos or personal blogs. After all, the story gives more meaning to the struggle of the exam participants (I don’t want to call them ‘aspirants’). By the way, is there a show called ‘Aspirants?’ I am assuming on the same lines?
But can something be done to find those who didn’t make it, yet how they did things after, about their glory? I’m not saying it must be a revenge story for failing the exam. But something that says it’s okay to have new dreams, goals, and forms of “glory?” In my opinion, making movies on already recognized achievers seems a little lazy.
Where is the fresh perspective? Where is telling something new? Also, why not make documentaries? But then, we also had ‘MS Dhoni’ and many like that, made in the last few years. Anyway! I don’t think I’ll watch ’12th Fail.’ Because if I wanted to hear a story on such a premise (with due respect), I can hear about it in every nook and corner of UP, Bihar, and to be super honest, I have tried hard to tune out.
Maitreyi Srivastava, 12th Pass, UPSC fail Mechanical Engineer, MA in Social Work (Livelihoods and Social Entrepreneurship), TISS Mumbai