Trigger Warning – Homophobia, Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse.
The article includes an interview with Mihir (name changed) who is a 23 years old gay man, from a small village in Haryana.
Growing up in an abusive household, and an orthodox neighborhood, Mihir had to survive a horrifying childhood and had to sacrifice so much, for being gay.
Mihir says, “In our area, if you’re a feminine man, your life can be a literal hell. Kids in my school used to laugh at me, bully me, or call me names all the time. Whenever I complained about it to my teachers, they said, “You need to act less girly if you don’t want these kids to bother you?”
“It doesn’t hurt so much when a stranger does something like that, but it hurts a lot when your own family thinks something is wrong with you and you need to ‘fix’ yourself. My father always pushed me to talk and behave in a manly way. He always taunted me about the smallest things, abuse and beat me up. He always kept a wooden stick in his room just to beat me up.”
“When I was in 9th class, I started liking a guy in my school. Being a teenager, I didn’t even consider the consequences and proposed to that guy with a letter. He showed it to everyone in the class and eventually, my brothers got to know about it. That day, I was beaten up with a wooden stick and a belt by my father until I fainted.”
“Going to school became even more difficult after that incident. Not only students, but teachers also started making fun of me.”
“Some days after that incident, my father and uncle took me to a Tantrik. He told my parents that I’m possessed by a demon and instructed them to not let me eat or sleep for 3 days straight. On the 4th day, he came to my home. He stripped me naked and made me sit in a water tub for hours and performed some totkas. He then cut my hair and burnt them. Doing so would also burn the demon, he claimed. My mother didn’t object either and said “We only want what’s best for you and our family’s reputation.”
“When the ‘Totkas’ didn’t work, my father stopped taunting me. Weeks passed by and he didn’t even abuse me, let alone beat me up. One sudden day, my uncle came home and brought new clothes for me. He told me to get ready to go out with him and my father. My father and uncle took me to a sex worker’s home and told me to have sex with her. I was 17 at that time and she was in her 30’s. When I refused to do it, they abused me and beat me up. I was forced to have sex with her, while my father and uncle stood there happily and watched.”
“I fled from my home after 2 nights and came to Delhi. I took shelter at a trans woman’s home who met me at the railway station. It’s been 4 years since I came to Delhi. I tried contacting my mother once, but she said “You’re dead to us now.” and hung up.”
Mihir’s story is just a glimpse of the horrors that many queer people are facing in their everyday life, living in rural India. When your family’s reputation is above everything, parents can go to all extents to protect their family’s honor and to avoid shame.
Parents often try to cure their kid’s queerness using harmful methods such as Tantra-mantra, Conversion therapy, Corrective rape, Forced marriage, or even Honor killing. Queer people are left with no choice but to leave everything and run away with no financial or social support. The situation becomes even dire for queer women, who unlike men can’t escape, and are often forcefully married.
Even in urban India, being queer isn’t easy but to say the least, we have some NGOs and laws protecting us. But in rural India, where Panchayats are above any court and law, queer people are forced to pretend to be Heterosexual or Cis, to survive and avoid a social boycott.
“I never expected my parents to accept me. I knew from the beginning, that they would always choose their family’s reputation over me. Even if they had accepted my queerness, it would be hard for them to convince my relatives, extended family, or neighbors. They can’t survive in a small village with no social support. If anyone would have gotten to know that I am gay, nobody would have married my sisters. So I decided to just run away and leave everything behind. There was no other option.” Says Mihir at last.