Recently many of us saw the viral video uploaded by Jharkhand’s Mr. Prem Gupta. The video was of a marriage-like procession organised for his daughter’s return to home after filing for divorce.
The Gupta family must be heavily praised for breaking so many barriers and setting an example for the society to learn and treat their daughters with the true respect that they deserve. People with cynical or conservative patriarchal mindset may see it as a bad example promoting divorce as good.
Such people must be ignored. Divorce is good if it rescues! This brave step and decision by the Gupta family made us think very hard on many aspects of the society, the institution of marriage, the rights of women, their place in their homes and society. This incident and the discussions it has evoked, could be looked at from various perspectives.
#Women empowerment and the concept of marriage in our society:
The real story begins at home: The fact that is often overlooked about a girl in our society is that the whole concept of empowerment begins at her own home. No matter how hard it is to swallow but there is a huge difference in bringing up of a girl child and a boy child in most families in our society.
The standards set for them are totally different in terms of rights, behaviour, sociability etc. Since early age, the girls are subjected to different set of rules and boundaries than the boys. Their equal right to choose for themselves is often overlooked.
They are wrongly convinced that restrictions are for their own benefit and betterment. Parents often nurture false belief that it is necessary for her own good. It is not! Before she is able to realise, she has already been shaped into submissiveness rather than assertiveness. Parents even choose the kind of clothes she would wear even after gaining adulthood.
Slowly with time she tends to get accustomed to the set of rules she has been subjected to. Even after maturity she seeks help, validation or approval for making even small choices and decisions. She has now been accustomed to it and is reluctant to assert her rights, sometimes even fear to speak about it.
Talking about the concept of marriage in our country, especially in the northern part of the country, the institution of marriage has always been given a larger than life status. It is considered so sacrosanct that even a small question or a discussion on it is looked down upon. It is agreeable that the institution of marriage holds a very important place in the family and kinship system that exists in our society. It must be given due importance.
But considering it sacrosanct, especially in the current societal conditions and in a highly patriarchal system is nothing less than inviting trouble, especially for the girls of our society. It poses a great barrier for her and comes in her way of exercising or asserting her rights in a society that is already tilted in favour of males.
Right from the beginning there are power imbalances between the bride-groom in most marriages and it is disheartening to see even women accepting that to be normal. As we discussed earlier, this happens mostly because they are accustomed to that thought process since the beginning. A majority of women despite being unhappy in their marriage accept it as their fate, some consider it or are made to believe that they must sacrifice for greater good.
A male is seldom subjected to such an expectation. Females consider the most basic autonomy as a privilege and are ready to forego their needs with a false assumption that they are getting a lot. This adds to the insensitivity of the males towards the needs of women. They don’t even realise the need to provide better care or attention to their partners’ needs. Few exceptions exists, who care and make conscious efforts to remove power imbalances in their relationship and treat their partner as an equal in all aspects.
But that also depends much on the upbringing environment of that male. Otherwise women often are taken for granted with the assumption that they don’t have options other than staying into that relationship, no matter how toxic or troublesome it has become. The women know that they wouldn’t get support or approval and the condition of the society also makes it extremely difficult for the them to do so and that’s another reason they would stay and are taken for granted.
But this imbalance of power gets a shift when the woman finally puts her foot down and decides to break off! In many cases it brings a sudden change in the attitude of the male. He could no longer dismiss her as he used to. But the real tragedy also lies in the fact that her own family who gave birth to her refuses to stand with her and often believes that she is wrong.
Few girls are lucky that their families realise what she’s really going through and support her. Fewer have the courage to take a stand to live alone even if no one is in their support. Luckiest are those who have a family like the Guptas who trust and stand by their daughters’ decision and autonomy and gives her the honour and respect she truly deserves.
#Role of the state and the laws:
The state has been feeble and slow in ensuring protection of our women from the patriarchal societal norms. The courts have also moved at a snail‘s pace in enforcing the laws that are there for a woman’s overall well-being. But now with slow and steady rise in awareness of women about their own rights and the rising sensitiveness of courts towards their needs, more and more women are feeling confident in asserting or exercising their rights and are taking the leap of coming out of a troublesome relationship.
A string of judgements of the higher courts in recent times has also ensured a better environment for women to express themselves freely. There is still a very long way to go before we can truly say that we have created a just environment where women can truly assert their rights inside the realms of the so-called sacrosanct institution of marriage.
#What we could learn and do about it:
The Jharkhand example teaches us many things that we must strive to improve the conditions for women.
First and foremost we must bring a change in the environment in our own homes and create one where the girl child isn’t afraid or hesitant in asserting her choices in any matter. She would grow up into a much more confident and strong woman. If parents really wants the betterment of their daughters, they must make them confident and aware with their own choices and let them make their own decisions whether small or big.
They must stand with them or give them the belief that they have the support if anything goes wrong. Such approach changes a lot how a girl shapes her thoughts to prepare for the challenges the world is going to present her. Her mentality and resolve for facing the tough challenges will improve drastically when she has that confidence and belief in herself and the support she would get from her family.
This is the value Mr. Gupta and his family taught us. They even went a step ahead and showcased how our daughters should be respected and honoured if something big even like divorce happens in their life which could be life changing for her. The family supported her with her choice of coming out of a failed marriage instead of neglecting or pushing her to stay in the same environment.
The other important lesson is that we should normalise divorce rather than stigmatise it because many times it saves the girl from long-term mental and emotional damage and sometimes even physical damage. Families should welcome back their daughters with open minds and hearts for their overall well being and better future.
They shouldn’t let them feel alienated in anyway. When more and more girls and their families do that, people will realise the changing realities around them and would become more willing to accept those realities.
History tells us that the women have always fought hard for their rights, even basic rights. It is sad that they still have to do the same in this day and age. The least we could do is support them in their endeavours and make them feel equal in every aspect.