It is 1:45 am and you’re drinking coffee for some reason. You need to sleep but your mind wants to stay awake and feel the melancholy of the night take over. What is it about the stillness of the night, that makes you feel alive? Is it the caffeine rushing through your veins or your thoughts taking over at a time like this, that you’re not thinking anymore, you’re feeling?!
What do you do when you feel unreal? Like these thoughts you’re thinking inside your head, the voice that is speaking, yeah, whose voice is that?
People kept telling us to grow up, but no one showed us how or when. No one showed us how to deal with people. No, not even people, no one showed us how to deal with ourselves either.
I have less than an year of teenage left, and this is the period I was supposed to look forward to most in my life according to Disney Channel. I have so many mixed feelings about this. I remember looking at all the tall seniors in schools looking so grown up in their uniforms and thinking,” I can’t wait.”
And then you look in the mirror one day and you’re the senior. There you are looking at yourself trying to figure out who you’re looking at. You realize that you are a collage of all the people who existed in your life.
That one friend that taught you how to dot your i in kindergarten, that other friend’s favourite song which you became obsessed with, the lemony delight cupcake your cousin taught you how to make in second grade, and that one best friend you made in third grade but never came back..you are but a broken mirror where every shard reflects them.
But then again, 19 is just a number, and then there will be 20, there will be 21, and 22 too. Maybe life can’t be defined in numbers. Not in chronological order at least.. Maybe there will again be times where I will feel 19 again.
Letting go is a devastatingly beautiful feeling, knowing that something was once yours and trying to re- experience it in bits and pieces. But creating space for that ray of sunshine to shine through the grey cloud is important too.
The effect of the coffee has not worn off yet, and now if you’ll excuse me, I have an assignment to get back to.