At times I feel alien to the 21st-century concept of love. I feel alien to the idea that love is like a wind which comes easy and goes fast. In the race of finding and searching for a soulmate, I guess I have got hurt more than I have got genuine love.I often contemplate the people around me and their interpretations of love. Do they truly understand it, or are they merely caught up in the whirlwind of superficial connections and fleeting emotions?
I can’t help but question whether I’m on a quest for a soulmate or if I’m simply making a calculated decision to commit to a person I barely know. As I sit here I wonder I was never good at maths. I wonder, can I possibly calculate a decision as profound and intricate as finding a soulmate?
I feel I am scared to fall in love. Yes, I am scared to share my heart and my shades with a person. It’s as if I’m handing over the keys to my vulnerability, knowing that they possess the power to hurt me. I feel when we share the layers of ourselves it takes a lot of courage to share the parts of oneself with a stranger. Parts which were filled with sorrow, hurt and pain.
Strangely, there are moments when it’s easier to open up to complete strangers than it is to divulge the same to potential life partners. How can I share in fast-forward who am I? What do I do and why do I do it? How can I share the layers behind me? The hurt, the pain and the sorrow. Even though I have healed it all, but I can’t put it on a tray and serve it like a garnish to a stranger.
The listeners come from a space which is at times not friendly but authoritative which scares me. A fear of being judged, questioned, and asked the why’s scares me. I feel and ask myself am I scared to fall in love with a stranger? It leaves me pondering whether my fear isn’t just of falling in love but of entrusting my most fragile self to someone who might not handle it with the tenderness it deserves. After all, love, when genuine, should create a safe space for vulnerability, not add to our anxieties.?
Moreover, I feel people want things easy these days. They will make love to you, they will show their best side and sometimes it will be combined with lies and fake butterflies. They will bombard you with love and will make you feel on cloud nine. Later you will realise that what they showed was not real.
They made you believe in the idea of who they are or an idea of love which never existed. And when you start believing them they run away… they go invisible. When they leave it hurts more. It’s in those moments that I find myself questioning: am I afraid of falling into the trap of pretentious love?
Yet, I hold onto the belief that I’m not truly fearful of love itself. Rather, my fear lies in the possibility of pouring my heart into someone and not finding the support I long for in return. I would share my heart with a person with whom my soul feels real and connected. A person who is just so authentic and real that I feel like showering love to him.
A person with whom there are no mind games. A place where I will not be judged but will be loved. In this sacred space, I am free to be my unfiltered self, and in return, I am met with the purest form of love, untainted by expectations or pretenses. It’s this kind of connection, built on trust and genuine affection, that I long for – a love that flows effortlessly and authentically, nourishing both hearts involved.
I presume that I am not scared to fall in love. I am scared to fall and not be held by a person whom I love. I am scared that the love I see will be a false love again. I am scared of whether the person whom I am falling in love with will stay or run away. Will I feel weak or strong with him? Have you also felt scared of love?