I fall short of topics when I think about writing. There are really plenty of topics. I used to brood over the fact, why am I not able to filter topics and keep writing. Confidence issue has striped me of a few opportunities. The digital age with free information makes us hesitant to go after something along with the possibility of ‘go after something’. As humans, time and energy matters. Since knowledge is free over the internet, a few questions to acquaintances end up in a usually delivered reply, “Google Search”.
When I start “Google Search”, it ends up as mentioned by Alfred Tennyson in his poem, “Ulysses”, “To follow knowledge like a sinking star/ Beyond the utmost bound of human thought”. I am grateful to Wikipedia for most of my searches. Link connecting link, and me going after each topics, ultimately winds up somewhere mid. I should borrow a few other lines from the same poem, “Yet all experience is an arch wherethro’/ Gleams that untravell’d world whose margin fades/ For ever and forever when I move.”
I would like to substitute ‘experience’ with the ‘knowledge I gain through browsing experience’. Each of the Wikipedia (just chosen one here) page is like an arch. You understand the existence of an untraveled world. Obviously being updated matters and the knowledge spectrum is like a vast ocean. For the men folk there is enough time and energy to work on research over new topics. Ladies generally find it hard to set aside time to have an indepth online reading unless it is their chosen subject.
Midway I shall remind you once again we were into ‘Confidence and Womanhood’. Staying updated is important. Is it that easy to read and grasp a topic? Sometimes we have to go into the roots to get a better clarity going through related links. And here is the place one has to dedicate time and energy apart from the routine habits. Is the time and energy spent worth any future outcome? I often think if everything was available as a book, that would be fine. Reading a book(physical) is better than online reading. I don’t know if the younger souls sense the same vibe.
In 2019 I decided it is almost time to update my knowledge on general topics and explore new opportunities. I miss the base as I forgot a lot of my school chapters’. Here is when I decided to downloaded textbooks of 5th to 10th standard students on Basic Science, Social Science and Mathematics of Kerala syllabus. Oh My God ! What a relief! So easy to grasp the textbook written well and fine in a simple language. I reached 7th standard lessons. By early 2020, we were gripped by pandemic, and online platforms were blooming. I shifted topics. The mood changed though interest in acquiring knowledge still persists.
During my travels and interactions, I understood people reacted to this topic differently. When I went for an interview for the post of permanent faculty in Management Studies at MG University Campus in 2019, I was the only non Ph.D in the batch present on that day for the morning session. There were more than twenty candidates, a few were pursuing research. The person that sat next to me in the line told me she has taken a topic related to credit cards as her research item. I remembered I was assigned that topic for my ‘Financial Services’ assignment presentation during MBA days.
I still remember doubting a lot of factors like how come a bank provide credit card to a person without any collateral. I know the card was delivered only to salaried people at that time. What if the salaried people default with the loans? Though I presented the topic in front of my batchmates in my fourth semester, the concept was new to everyone. I asked a question to that lady researcher and she starting doubting over the questions.
Ultimately she told she has been just months into it and just in the way of full swing. Eventhough I wasn’t able to answer the two questions of interview board, the trip has enriched me in terms of travel and understanding people. On my recent trip to Ernakulam, I sat next to a girl who was a trainee journalist and is currently working with a finance media for the past few months. I have taken a break from stock market trading for a while.
I thought of discussing with her. She has no idea about it and didn’t mention her area of focus too. I had a good conversation with her till we reached Ernakulam, though I didn’t collect her contact number. Over the conversation, what struck me was her confidence. She didn’t have enough knowledge in the area she’s working, but was confident enough to explore. A young age is an advantage for her.
I thought over the incident and tried to relate it with my circumstance. Where did I get stuck with my opportunities, I thought for a while. Definitely, confidence issue holds the first position. Second factor, I felt is ‘being a woman’, and to be precise an ‘unmarried woman’. My single status was enough to explore a lot of avenues. It wasn’t synching with self confidence. Confidence requires not only knowledge but also exposure to experience.
When it comes to experience, interaction matters. A one on one talk generally begins with the background query. When people get to know I’m single, the topic shifts to the importance of having a life partner and they recall a few of their bachelor acquaintances trying to make a match. Now I tell people I have no problem being single. A few can absorb and the rest as usual with the lecture, ‘don’t regret in your old age’.
My single status has taken away a few opportunities as my interaction with ladies becomes rough over the subject. When it comes to men, I had to take stress to make it clear the conversation produce results and not give a flirting effect. I must be delivering the same tone as a married or aged woman when it comes to general subject.
Being a single lady, I was able to manage living alone when both of my parents passed away. Most of the time I was into remote opportunities. When I interact with the men folk, I didn’t feel uneasy most of the time. I can’t deny a few countable experiences taking a rough turn. Majority of the time, the focus of conversation was on their potential/ work. People do their jobs, deliver their point and the acquaintance ends up fine, smooth and healthy.
What I observed over the years were the potential and talent in ordinary people displayed at places of work and times of need. Most of the staff room discussions were centred around the activities associated with an institution. I have observed how enthusiastically the staff take charge of activities and engage in it. In the past six years I have interacted with a lot of acquaintances.
People proved to be helpful delivering worthy content with the traditional mindset of free service in a lot of circumstances. If it was a tier1 city and culture, each of these services would have been charged. People have started accepting me in my single status.
Single status doesn’t mean life is easy. But a contrary thinking might have made me feel at ease. People were like, ‘if you don’t marry, who will take care of you’. I know the same stuff would say to a married woman if she complains about her husband or in-laws, ‘this is the general nature of life’. The ups and downs have to be accepted solely and you can’t expect anybody to share the burden even if you are single or married.
I miss the good side of traditional mindset of people. Malayalam films in the 90s portrayed characters of a house hold that takes charge of the entire family. Happiness and sorrows were shared among each other. A few characters always exists shedding positivity and smartness at work. Women does household work with perfection (I have seen it in my grandmother’s generation, not in my mom’s).
The cleanliness, daily habits, tasty food – what I liked most was the ease with which they did the stuff. They were happy in discharging duties of ‘unpaid labour’. Men were mostly like instructors to their young ones training them for precision. Men enjoyed life, be it in the past or in the present, more than women.
There was the mutual give and take, and almost all of them has financial constraints. People exchanged services at free of cost. A few exceptional figures, both among men and women- stood like a rock to handle problems of people in general.
When did we start missing them? Is it the passage of time that has wiped away such characters or my older self standing at a different angle being eclipsed of such a view?
As the edit option is open, I thought I would add a few things. To stay away from Indian politics was my personal decision. Majority of the people go after a political party since they feel they need someone to solve their problems. For me it is impossible to speak favouring one entirely and speak ill of others. Things might have been different if I am part of any political party. The decision to stay away from politics can be challenging as majority of the people are inclined to any one of the political party. If at all any problem arises, the people support can be countable, I know. I wasn’t built around speaking about this topic since my parents feared it would invite toxic labelling.
I will remain out of politics, sure. It can make the journey a little bit rough as one has to tackle things alone. I will seek advice from a few I feel comfortable and understanding. My mind has still not adapted to speak this topic over a public platform. At the core, each political system can be unique. On the outer layer we see the usual set of politicians with a few upholding values and a few exploiting the system. Definitely the entire stuff is complex.
I have decided a decade and more back I won’t be part of the system for several reasons. I wish to launch a small platform for a general cause but I haven’t decided the topic yet. I wish to be a coach but haven’t decided upon the exact nature of the topic. I want to make a difference from others. My understanding of the struggle of middle class family, particularly working women is vivid as I have came close to the topic even a year back since I have started attending webinars. Collecting a few insights from all these, I have yet to frame the structure of my project.