Before I get to my queerness I should acknowledge my other margins as well
Being born with female parts for starters, into a highly paranoid dalit family who just moved to the city to protect themselves from their own family ties – they knew they were toxic, but they are also slaves to societal norms,
Dictating them to love conditionally
Conditions being
Blindly listen to father figure
Use mother figure to uphold patriarchy, forgetting she’s trapped herself
Employing tools such as guilt and shame to mould your behavior to their will
How long will this sustain? I been away from my family since after school, but was still victim to their nonsense till I was 23, and a lot of struggle to draw myself away from them as much as possible even after that.
I was sexually abused since I was just a baby, by my maternal uncle.
I was sexually, physically and verbally abused and controlled by my parents’ first born son, my only sibling and socializing model. My parents hardly spoke with each other and we hardly had guests home. I was heavily socially deprived. There were many times I was locked up in the house I grew up, like an animal, because my father believed being inside was safe.
I was not allowed to cry or express anything in a healthy way.
Last year I got flashes of repressed memories
I was about 7-8 years old, me unable to process or express the abuses am going through, whenever am alone I would yell to these inner chaotic voices to shut up and mimic to box them up vigorously with my hands up and down.
Over the last year I have processed many repressed memories like this.
Going through complex trauma, with no love or warmth from parent figures and conditioning me whatever an elder brother says or does will be right,
Like when I told my mom, he’s beating me up for no reason and she said, there must be a reason and you can’t say anything and take it because that’s how it is in this society. How could I tell anything further.
I struggled to make friends
I was not allowed to most times
My only place to meet people was school
I never could relate to anyone
I never spoke comfortably
Studying was a way to cope
But all this came out as a tiny lie, to a dear friend as a brain tumor
I was in 10th grade, she was my first Dalit friend, a very dear one
See how I metaphorized my emotional pain into a physical one in need of some soothing from someone I felt close to
Even then I was somehow conditioned that people would care more about physical pain more than emotional one
But truth is
Emotional pain manifests physically too
I suffer from psychosomatic pain issues over the last 6 years, diagnosed 3 years back
Going through consecutive multiple traumas, abuses, oppression, manipulation impacts (scientifically proven) our brains – our neural pathways, our nervous systems- our ability to function normally, to make decisions for yourself, to get out of bed, to take care of yourself, to feel some connection with your own body fighting dissociations and panic attacks.
To realize and verbalize my queerness has taken its time too. Am queer, gender queer, indifferent to pronouns but respect it, demisexual, pansexual and polyam, with the conscience that gender and sexuality can be very fluid and may also change over time as and when new experiences and knowledge are gained. So I try to take my exposure to people and nature as a way to unlearn my conditioning and relearn new ways to accept myself for the way I am, it always starts with me. It is not easy as a queer woman living alone in a conservative neighborhood, with poor support system and field questions like
Why my husband doesn’t visit often
(My owner and neighbors see us as a married couple and am ok with it because it gives a sense of social Security)
Do I live by myself
Why there is no visible license to show that you are married
Why don’t you have kids
When will you have kids
Why do you look different
Why don’t you wear jewellery
Is all too invading of my space and boundaries
A random person wouldn’t take the liberty to ask a man such questions! And these questions asked were by women making sure my partner is not around.
To endure the pain caused as a repercussion of societal segregation of humans based on caste.
To understand my neurodivergence and talk about it openly, has been a long journey, ongoing one. My brain doesn’t function like a neurotypical. Its beautiful in its own way but to function as a neurodivergent in a neurotypical society that is built on just one gender – men, a man’s biological clock of 24 hours is what our society is based on not considering a women’s biological clock that ranges over a month. To fit into that itself is a lot for a woman and having to access this neurotypical heteronornamative men designed spaces with layers of my neurodivergence, my queerness, my dalitness and all the risks and illness that’s accumulated cos of my caste and society’s conditions is a very unique path. And am happy, that I am able to write this out, it has been emotionally painful, tears don’t stop easy. It takes a physical toll as well.
But yes am fucking beautiful in my own way and the journey of accepting myself is also beautiful with its own flaws, ups and downs, in its rocky rocky path finding serenity has been so unique to myself
Also to get my voice out, and for many who are struggling like this, to break my voice and get it out and speak loud and stand up for myself, to be doing this… In a way, I thank my parents for giving me education. That’s the best they did in their capacities in their time, they have their own unsung stories of suppression and battling the system in their ways so that they could give me this life. They did whatever they could and there’s nothing I can do to change them, no one can change anyone who is set to not change or grow because of the experiences they have been through.
It comes from self and their values based on their own stories and narratives of people and the world.
All we can do is be ourselves, draw boundaries from toxic people and patterns, take pride in ourselves and stand up for each other. Make friends and show love unconditionally, it takes time, effort and practice for something to become a part of you. But you will transpire, all those who dream will.