I wish I could have written you love poems. Sent you songs that would convey the forever unsaid thoughts and words never exchanged. I wish I could I have talked to you anytime of the day, unafraid of the distance that bounded us. And I wish I could have ended that distance. I wanted to have endless conversations that would lead us nowhere. Because I am tired of keeping you alive in my memories with those 7 conversations we ever had.
I wish I could have seen you everyday. and you could see me. I wish I could see your eyelashes up close and how your eyebrows shift when you smile. and I wish you could have seen me up close and witness the infinite and unquestionable love in my eyes. I thought you did. Or I wanted to believe you did.
I wish I could have all of you or even some parts of you would have been enough. I wanted to walk with you and do things I have done alone all my life. I wanted to recommend you books. I wanted to quote love lines memorized from my favorite movies. I wanted to dance with you even though we were both too shy to do so. I wanted to share about physics and black holes and cyclic universes. I wanted you to love me forever and never let go. Because I am holding onto you so softly yet so strongly inside the four chambers of my heart. Each one holding the idea of us so tenderly as if it might break when let go. I wanted to share my belief in the universe with you. I wanted to share with you about energies, vibrations and frequencies. I wanted to you to see me at my highest and witness you not getting scared when I show you my vulnerabilities. I wanted to feel how you would comfort me in those lowest phases of my life.
I know the idea of us will forever remain deluged in words but I think I loved you and sometimes you loved me too. But I fear being a dreamer because what if these are just visions tattooed to my heart. And I fear being a lover because I could never unlove.
However, I want you to know that my belief in the universe is stronger than my belief in us. In the infinite possibilities and universes of you and me. And throughout the infinite timelines, I know some parts of me will always love you. And the idea of us would have not only been an idea but a story in one of these timelines.
And I guess being good with words wasn’t really enough because this is not the first poem I wrote for you my love but I really hope it’s the last. Because the chambers of my heart feel tired now.
I think for the sake of my heart, I have to let you go.
– Aditi
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