As a Dalit, queer, trans woman who has struggled to fit into her sexuality, I have always questioned my femininity. If it was too loud for the cis people. I wondered if my transness will be accepted in a world that doesn’t want to see beyond marriages! As a child, I always knew I was not straight; I didn’t even know how to be that. But I was very well aware of how not to be effeminate and hide my feminine side and my caste.
In a country where my lost womanhood and unfound femininity are not even welcomed, and are not accepted, I wonder if I want to bomb everyone with the expectation of obtaining a marriage that will be performed for the benefit and looks of a dying culture- which only supports getting benefits from this ‘same-sex propaganda.’
As a child, I didn’t come out as a transwoman. No, coming out as it was not difficult, but I had never heard of it and was scared that I would be thrown out. And yes the majority, I say, majority of middle-class stories of LGBT people resonate with this. Importantly, I didn’t know back then any non-privileged person coming forward and sharing their coming out story. All that I have seen were privileged people sharing their struggles and getting accepted.
Love is a powerful bond to be with someone, but how far will I take that love? Will I be so blind by it that I won’t see the struggle of other genders? Getting married must be the most beautiful thing in the world, but before that, I would like to live beautifully, healthily in a country that is on nerves of the people every other day for no reason!
In this fear of CAA, I still wonder if my legally born mother, who is legally married and has legally birthed kids, is still a citizen of India! I still question if my Trans community will be fed, allowed to get themselves fed, or allowed to go out and fetch food for themselves in ways they prefer.
Before living with someone legally I will want to live with pride, live with individual recognization, a job that feeds me, a job that welcomes my identity and does not question my gender expressions! The fear doesn’t end here. Coming from a community that was ignored for generations and is still fighting for equality, respect, and freedom, I doubt that same-sex marriage will help me in any way. Instead, I feel it will worsen things more.
It has to do with privilege. Seema Aunty will not come to a middle-class family, and that too a Dalit Family, and ask them the criteria for a husband. But when the same-sex marriage propaganda is in power, the strength of capitalism will be at peak, being privilege will be celebrated, and we Dalit-Trans will be ignored as always.
This propaganda will divert the attention we, as Dalit individuals, face. In ten years, when respect for queer people, horizontal reservation for the trans community, and laws to enforce for bullies towards queer people will be preferred not in pride month but daily, marriage may become the talk later then. The motto should be to divide the equal distribution of rights we, as queer, and I, as a Trans-Dalit woman, deserve.