The First Conversation I Heard Between Two Strangers: (Scene 1)
“If you drink alcohol again, you are inviting your death.”
“What did the doctor say? Did he tell you to continue drinking?”
“No, of course.” Responding with an irritated smile, knowing the sarcasm in his friend’s question.
“Once the alcohol has reached your liver, you will be stupid to drink it again.”
“And I have seen how you take it. You drink it with some water bought from here or there. “
“I know you won’t like to hear this. Whenever you are drinking, make sure you have ten packets of food with you. Such stupid drinking without anything to eat. “
“Hmmm. It’s not like that. Whenever I drink, I buy 1 kg of fish to eat with it.”
“You know this guy in Allahabad, very brilliant. Studied at the University and joined politics after his graduation. He was so smart that he gained popularity with many leaders and politicians in no time. Something that took three years to be completed, but he could get it done in 3 months. All politicians liked him. That bastard had one bad habit. Drinking. He drank a lot. It got the better of him, and at a very young, he was admitted to the hospital for health problems at one of the biggest ones in Delhi. You can’t even guess how many politicians came to see him and how much money they poured into saving him. But the doctors couldn’t save him.”
“And brother, we don’t even have that much money on us.”
The guy did not say anything.
And I was wondering if he told us that story to make this point.
The Second Conversation I Heard Between Two Strangers (Scene 2)
“So, how much money did you lose? “
“Didn’t I tell you not to video call me? I explained everything for an hour yesterday. But you won’t leave me alone until you get the full story. Hmm?”
“If you share with us, you will stop feeling that it was anything major.”
“Yes, you need to tell your story to be able to accept it.”
The guy is just smiling a suspicious smile.
“Tell no. It’s alright.”
He got up to keep his plates in the kitchen.
“It he shares his story with us, he will be able to process it and feel better.”
“Don’t analyze me.”
He comes in front of the screen again.
“Yes, tell us.”
“What? I don’t want to tell you.”
“I know many people who have had similar prob. It can happen to anyone. No shame about it.”
Everyone is silent right now, waiting for him to start.
And before we could urge him again.
“This all started when we went home during covid. My local friends tried to bet money on cricket matches. So I started just for fun, with only a few thousand. And I won. First in thousands and then in lakhs. I had won lakhs of rupees at one point.”
Now I felt excited. I thought, this bastard never told us when he was winning. But I knew what was coming.
“Then, my luck changed. I started losing and lost everything I had won. After that, thinking I could win again, I continued, and lost even my own money. Then I was down a few lakhs. There the struggle started – to pay what I had committed. At that point I reached out to some of you for help. Got help, but I continued playing and losing as well. I had to give up my savings. I could not ask my friends for more money. I could not ask anyone in the family either.”
“I am in debt to those people without any means to pay immediately. And I am trying to figure out ways to pay it back.”
“So how much is it? How much do you owe them now?”
No one is saying anything. We were anticipating an answer with our heartbeats slightly up.
“Now you have told everything. Why hide this?”
“Come on, tell us.”
“Umm. It’s 5 to 6 lakhs.”
“What’s the problem then?”
“You are earning well enough you can save this in less than six months and clear your debt. No big deal.”
“Within one year, you will forget something like this happened.”
“Don’t you think that’s possible?”
The guy did not say anything to this question. He was lost in his head.
“Don’t you worry, you can, young? You can even out within a year with your salary and job.”
“I can’t tell anyone in my family. I will be ashamed and feel embarrassed. How will I face them when they get to know this?”
“See, many people I know have been in similar situations and maybe even worse. If you tell your father, he will understand that we can all make mistakes. Your condition is still manageable. And with your salary and job, you can easily repay.”
The guy did not say anything to any of this. He kept his quiet. And it was clear from his face that he did not believe any of what we said. He was not looking for this.
The Common Factor Between Both Conversations: Problem Solvers
And I am going to omit the follow-up discussions that happened. It went on similar lines. We asked him to do this thing or that to get himself out of this situation.
These two incidents happened one after the other within a few days. And for a long time, I have encountered many similar situations, have also been at the receiving end of it, where one person is going through some problem, and another guy is trying to solve it.
The stories involve two different problem-solvers. Of course, they might share some commonalities in their background, maybe belonging to the same part of the country, but that might be a coincidence.
There is one thing that they have in common for sure.
They both are trying to solve problems where the other person has not asked for them. And to me, such efforts seem futile, however well-intentioned.
There are certainly some situations in life where listening to another person or discussing your problem with others gives a new perspective. However, the ones I am describing seemed a bit different, especially the 2nd one. Neither of them had come for the discussion to sort their head out and gain clarity.
The problem solvers are not listening to the other person to understand his case once the issue has been described briefly. Instead, they start giving solutions and use a real-life examples to make their point. Solving another person’s problem is not like solving a question in an exam. With a human being, you have to sit with them regularly, listen to them describe it, and ask appropriate questions.
The mere presence of another soul can make a difference, but that is not always sufficient.
What The Book ‘On Becoming A Person’ Taught Me About Problem Solvers
As I was reading ‘On Becoming a Person’ by psychologist Carl Rogers, I understood a few things about developing a therapeutic relationship with another individual. First, a therapeutic relationship can be helpful for another person to become more of himself.
Such a relationship has a few characteristics – congruence between communication and feelings (from the side of the listener, and it will likely promote the same from the speaker), listening without judgement, and empathetic understanding.
Congruence refers to the sameness between what a person is feeling and communicating. For this, the person must be aware of what they are feeling.
Acceptance is a way of communicating to the person that they can be what they want or having unconditional positive regard for the person. So even if our opinions differ, we don’t have to disregard them.
Acceptance of someone requires empathic understanding. Knowing what it is to be that person, knowing how they feel or think about some matter, and not just thinking how I would feel if I was in their position. It is more of how they feel.
All these conditions in a relationship are likely to promote a person’s becoming himself – they are more likely to communicate what they feel, accept themselves as they are, and see themselves as worthy creatures.
Carl Rogers’ theory assumes that when a person is entirely himself and open to all his experiences, they are to come out as a healthy, constructive individual.
With all those conditions present, the person becomes more open to his experiences and accepts his problems. As actualized individuals, they are likely to work towards solving their problems.
The two speakers did not seem clear about their problems in the situations described. When we read about a therapeutic relationship and its conditions and consequences, it is difficult to think that a single conversation with a person will solve their problems. Instead, this process requires more energy and effort from both ends.
Sadly, it isn’t easy to spare that much effort and thinking into a lot of relationships we have but we should do our part whenever we can.
PS: I was accidentally part of these two conversations. One day, I stopped near my house where 2 guys, 40-something, were lighting a bonfire (the 1st scene). And on another day, I joined to talk with friends, which eventually led to the 2nd scene.
PPS: thanks for reading here. I hope you enjoyed it. And if you did, do make sure to subscribe/follow the blog. I appreciate you making that effort. On a side note, I completed reading the book, On Becoming a Person. It had been referred to in several blogs I have written over the past 2-3 months. Wonderful book. Very insightful.