So, how was the year?
“But man is not made for defeat,” he said. “A man can be destroyed but not defeated.”
This is what has been pinned on my computer screen for the past few months… a quote from “Old Man and the Sea.”
The year was nothing less than what Hemmingway manifested in his story, “Old Man and the sea”.
Even though the 18-foot marlin has yet to be caught, Sandiego and I are still chasing it cutting through the tides and waves.
As the clock struck midnight and the entire world celebrated the new year, I had no idea that the next day would be a doomsayer.
In just a few minutes, everything got ruined, and dreams that had been woven for months shattered into pieces. When I regained consciousness, I found myself laying in the debris and rubble left after the impact.
Paxil nights and option No 2:
It took months to become what you described. “Being normal,” even though the struggle continues.
I’m not sure who introduced me to Paxil, but I remember it being a night when I was in so much pain that I almost fainted on the floor, and when I opened my eyes, I was laying on the sofa. Thanks to Raaj, my next-door neighbour, and his partner, they took me to their home when they saw me laying on the floor. Raaj gave me a pinkish-coloured tablet to swallow along with water. I was in so much pain that I’m sure if I was asked to swallow cyanide, I would have.
So, that was the first time I met “Paxil.” In a few weeks, I became so addicted to Paxil. It was difficult to pass a night without taking Paxil.
But it was not the solution. I was desperate for an alternative to getting rid of these antidepressants.
Option No 2:
“When you really want something, the whole universe conspires to help you achieve it.”
I’d probably heard and read it hundreds of times, but I’d never experienced what I did when I met “HER.” I won’t mention her name because she is no longer physically present in this world.
“SHE” heard me entirely, and said, “There is always an option you have.” Ask yourself, “What actually soothes your heart?”
Stories!
It was like a eureka moment for me because it’s obviously the stories I’ve been around since I was a child. Growing up with my grandparents’ love, stories were always a part of my life. My childhood was filled with mythological stories, ranging from the Mahabharata and Ramayana to ghost stories. I was blessed to be born into a family of avid readers. My uncle, who was a member of the Politburo, travelled to several countries during his lifetime, including China, Russia, and Venezuela. Every time he returned from a trip; he brought stories with him. When grandmother’s stories were about morality, uncle’s stories were about life, pain, and suffering.
Back to the present!
So, the BIG question is, what stories should I tell and to whom would even listen?
What do you mean by “stories”?
As per Britannica, “story” means, a description of how something happened, be it real, or imaginary, fiction or non-fiction.
So I never need to create fictional characters or a fictional plot to tell a story. Everything, even the “bits and pieces” of real life, can be an elusive story. Every time, I feel the need for PAXIN, I drag my laptop out and start writing.
Though it wasn’t a walk in the park, because I was so addicted to Paxin,
In the end, I was left with two options.
Option 1: I will continue to swallow those antidepressants for the rest of my life.
Option 2: I will stop taking antidepressants and channel my experiences through stories.
Thanks to the support offered by “HER” and my love for stories, I chose the last one.
WHOM TO TELL? WHO WILL LISTEN?
This was an obvious question, even though I am writing it, but there is barely anyone who reads it. Thanks to my sociophobic nature, I hardly had 200 friends on Facebook, and apart from two or three, no one even gave a sh*t!
I have decided, LET’S BREAK THE BARRIER!
When no one listens to me, let’s knock on everyone’s door!
I started randomly sending requests to everyone who appeared in my profile.
There are two reasons why people accept random social media requests.
1. You must be a celebrity, a familiar face
2. There must be social proof — mutual friends — with the person making the request.
In my case, the second one worked. Surprisingly, in one month, I have added 1K people to my profile. Thanks to all those humble people, I broke my sociophobic mental block.
Pygmalion effect and me
The Pygmalion effect states that having higher expectations, inspiration, and appreciation from your surrounding people help you do better.
So the people in the newly found community are so inspirational, pushing each other to do better. They started to read, react, and share my stories. The Pygmalion effect worked perfectly for me. Each time I felt the need for an antidepressant, I swivelled my fingers over the keyboard.
I started writing for web magazines, started blogging, and collaborating on freelancing projects.
I started to receive accolades and appreciation mail.
The most memorable day was when I received a letter from YKA congratulating me on reaching 2K readers.
Sisyphus vs. Freeman
I’ve spent the last 12 years juggling various jobs, roles, and functions, but what’s left is just emptiness. Barely anyone here appreciates innovation and creative thinking.
It’s all about following the textbooks, and manuals. Obviously, putting any innovative ideas into action will increase production costs and increase the risk of loss, and management won’t appreciate such adventures.
Working in such an atmosphere has become suffocating for me, and finally, I have decided to stop rolling the stone every day and set my path apart.
Three months ago, I dropped my resignation. No doubt, it was not easy, especially when you belong to a traditional middle-class family, but I was fortunate enough to keep my mind strong enough to break the curse of Sisyphus.
Meanwhile, my marriage was called off, I became part of evening gossip talks, and my cousins suggested that I should visit mental health consultants.
Remember those Hollywood movies, where the protagonist just left his job and ran to some serene spot to write their Booker-winning novel? Well, that’s not what happened in real life!
So what’s next?
Today, I don’t have a job! But I do have my freedom and my purpose. I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, and I believe that is the most significant accomplishment of the year 2022…
I write every day, exploring stories from everyday events and moments. There is so much to read and write…there are still millions of stories to tell.
There will be high tides and tornadoes, but Santiago won’t stop chasing the Marlin, because this is what gives him purpose. This is my actual tribute to “HER”