Prologue
If I were to divide my life into two phases, then the 9th of January 2020 would be a fitting day to divide the two. It was on this day that I had seen and realized things, things that I had only read about, or heard from people before. It was the day of my first attempt at JEE mains, and considering the high stakes of the examination, it seemed obvious that I failed to get a good night’s sleep. My father and I were still a kilometre away from the exam centre, but the streets were already swarming with students. Watching the sea of the crowd around me made me, for the first time in the entirety of the last two years, feel the heat of the competition; a heat kind enough to provide me warmth on that harsh winter morning, but brutal enough to leave me in a cold sweat. Thousands of students were about to go into a battle, and on the other side, only a handful would emerge standing. This thought freaked me out, but I somehow got myself together and entered the examination hall.
Approximately four hours later, I walked out of the examination hall. I felt different as if I had walked through some portal. And indeed, I did because, from that point onward, my life was never the same.
Initiation of Phase Two
On the way back home, father didn’t ask too many questions. Perhaps it was written all over my face that my exam was, to put it bluntly, a disaster. But regardless, it was impossible to hide a truth of such magnitude. Upon reaching home, my mother too, just let me be. I didn’t talk much that day. It took me a couple of days to digest what had happened. Reality had slapped me hard on my face. The slap was nothing more than an honest reflection of how ill-prepared I was, of the truth that I so conveniently chose to ignore, and of all the lies I so happily fed myself up to that point. I started to feel as if I was asleep for the past two years and now, I was finally waking up to smell the coffee. But the aroma was so strong that it knocked me off my feet. It made me realize the deep waters I was in, again something which I conveniently ignored for God knows how long. I thought the examination was the battlefield, but nothing could be further away from the truth. The examination merely validates the battles you’ve already been fighting. The real battlefield is the preparation, and frankly, I had never properly set foot in it.
Was taking up Science the right choice?
But I started to feel that maybe this was a battle I was never meant to fight. I started questioning my decision to take science in the first place. I took science in class XI for the same reason most of the students take up science in class XI: I couldn’t find a good reason not to. I wasn’t a prodigy in anything. I was good at sports, but I wasn’t good enough to consider it as a viable career option. Singing, and dancing? I could barely. Writing? I did have a knack for writing, but I hadn’t taken it seriously yet. Media? Finance? Honestly, I had zero awareness regarding the diverse career opportunities one can pursue academically. And if you happen to come from a typical Indian middle-class family (as I did), you are nurtured into believing that the only possible career paths are Engineering, Medical, and, if they happen to be a bit liberal, then you can count in Law as well. I realized that I had a liking for programming and computers. And to pursue this ’liking’ of mine in college, taking up science in XI seemed to me the most obvious choice.
I had a passion for writing, but it was in class XI that I started to explore that passion in-depth. I started writing poems, short stories, and literally anything that my mind could think, and my heart could feel. As I found myself in the labyrinth of Rotational Motion, and Organic Chemistry, and Integral Calculus, poetry became my escape. I was good at it, but frankly, I never viewed it as anything more than a hobby. It wasn’t until the mid of class XII that I started taking writing seriously and began plotting a way in which I could pursue a career in it. The possible plan was me completely ditching my JEE preparation and shifting my entire focus onto Boards. But it was nothing more than mere fantasy, and honestly, I felt guilty for even thinking about it. My father had invested heavily in me (i.e. – the coaching fees), and now he was expecting profitable returns (i.e. – ‘beta IIT crack karega’). And so, I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility to live up to his expectations.
I had my Board exams scheduled from February to mid-March, followed by my second JEE mains attempt in April. But considering how bad the January attempt went, I found myself at a crossroads; should I switch lanes, ditch JEE, and focus on Boards? Or should continue my prep for JEE, in fact, double the efforts, and ditch Boards instead? Preparing for JEE is a whole lot different from preparing for Boards, for one is objective, and the latter is subjective. Other than the 75% criteria that is required to be eligible for JEE, Boards serve no other purpose for JEE aspirants, until you fuck up your exam big time, and suddenly they regain their importance.
My Decision
I decided to switch lanes and shifted my entire focus onto Boards. To rid myself of the guilt of throwing in the towel on JEE, I promised myself that I would pursue Literature or Psychology (those were my two chosen options apart from Engineering) only from a top college. For that to happen, I had to secure a top percentage, a minimum of 97%.
I secured 89.2%.
Now, of course, I knew how my exams were going, and it became abundantly clear that even Literature seemed to be out of scope. When Boards ended, I again switched gears and was ready to go all out in the remaining three weeks for my second attempt at JEE mains. But we all know, what happened in March 2020.
Cut short to 2nd September 2020, when my second attempt finally took place. I secured 68 percentile in my second attempt, which is less than what I secured in January. Now you might be wondering, even after getting 5 extra months of preparation, how did I manage to score even less than my first attempt?
Did I stop studying? Did I become lethargic?
Not exactly.
Simply put, I didn’t do anything different compared to what I did for my January attempt. And when you don’t administer change in your actions, you can’t expect a change in the outcomes. And I wasn’t the only one who got extra time for preparation. A million other students did as well. And so, the competition saw exponential growth, and my percentile saw an exponential decline.
After repeated postponements, on the 19th of August when the Supreme Court finally decided to go ahead with the tentative dates of JEE scheduled to be held at the start of September, that was for the very first time when the thought of a drop year traversed my mind. I didn’t practice enough mock tests. My syllabus was still incomplete. And with two weeks left, only a miracle would keep my dream of getting into an IIT alive. I started regretting not working hard. The fact that I knew I could have, and still I didn’t, started eating me up from the inside.
In part two, I’ll be talking about my drop year, and more importantly, about the psychological side of it, something which is not talked about often. Stay tuned!
(P.S. – The fact that I resorted to poetry should make it clear that my issues weren’t just limited to academics. It’s important to note that all JEE aspirants are teenagers, trying to figure life out, on top of trying to figure out Maths, Physics, and Chemistry. Relationships, love, anxiety, and puberty, all had a monumental role to play in my JEE preparation. Just thought of mentioning it as a side note.)
Thank You for reading!! I hope you have a great day ahead 🙂
Regards,
Jyothi Swaroop Makena.