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The Male Psyche

Why do men tend to leave? Why do they avoid conflict, and fear commitment? Why do men have fragile egos, and do not love the way we women do?

In my twenty-two years of existing as a somewhat traumatized, socially anxious, reticent, and timid adult woman, who has had her fair share of highs and lows in life, I have considered myself fortunate enough to have lived through an incredible amount of significant experiences that have had a crucial role to play in my understanding of relationships. Over the years I have grown up to become a person who acknowledges and fully accepts the idea that the ‘maturity’ of an individual is what can be gauged through his/her experiences and struggles that they had to endure, throughout their lives. A teenage boy, who has grown up as an abandoned kid in the nearby orphanage, would know about the grief of desertion better than an adolescent who has grown up under the care of overwhelmingly preoccupied guardians. Similarly, an adolescent who has seen dozens of relationships build and break would know about the trauma of heartbreak in a better way, than a naïve young girl in her twenties who is reeling from the culmination of a month-old bond.

One recurring thought that has kept my conscience preoccupied for months now, has been the persistent question of why has pain become an inalienable part of every relationship, so much so that it never subsides but only grows in intensity. I have heard women complain of how they have continued to pour in all their love, by planning out sudden surprises, designing special cakes, doodling cute gift cards, and even taking care of every little activity, and yet get no such gesture as a means of reciprocation. They comprehend it as a ‘lack of effort’. On the other hand, I also hear men talking about how they are never understood in ways that they ought to be, which ultimately builds the foundation for an inevitable split as a consequence of eminent conflict. Gradually the process of healing that follows is accompanied by isolation to a point where you begin feeling no one is compatible enough for you. All of it makes me wonder if ending an age-old bond of love has become that easy of a task. Whom do we blame for this unfortunate end, is it the overly loving women who are way too emotionally vulnerable and weak at heart, or is it the emotionally restricted, toughened, and aggressive men who feel forced to strictly adhere to the supposed idea of masculinity?

This is exactly where there develops an urgent need to take into account the societal differences between the two genders. Books have contributed significantly to our understanding of women and how they perform their roles in society, as also how their entire orientation appears to be. Ironically, however, there is little or no discussion around the psychology of men, who are generally and simplistically described as those who need to work to feed a family. We do not know how a man’s brain works when he falls in love, or what his brain does when he feels pain and agony. I assume a better understanding of the ‘male psychology’ would help us look into how their ‘lack of effort’ unknowingly leads to the end of year-long chapters of love and romance. Since women feel too much, it wouldn’t be wrong to suggest that things don’t end up on the same page since men feel so little. What one might view as a lack of maturity might in reality be his lack of emotional availability since he is already too cluttered in his head. Therefore it might be wrong to label him as a faulty lover when in actuality he is just a naïve boy who is yet to grow up into a man, who finally has all means to devote equal time to his partner and his goals. Growing up is a steady process, and we simply cannot expect someone to step into the shoes of a man in his late thirties one morning, who has all his priorities sorted and settled.

As surprising as it may sound, studies suggest that men desire more or less the same things that a woman desires from a relationship. Some of these desires stem from the need to feel a deeper sense of connection, effective means of communication, and wanting to be felt and heard, to be listened to. If we go by the general idea that suggests ‘women are the most complicated beings to be comprehended fully’, the scientific data clears up some air and puts forth the conclusion that men and women are more alike than significantly different when it comes down to their needs and mental orientation. However, one interesting point of difference could be indicative of the fact that men feel the strict need to adhere to the norms of masculinity, which in a way leads them to suppress the emotions necessary for any intimate relationship. The general way in which men are dismissed as ‘genetically deficient’ beings when it comes to their inability to express themselves entirely, or talk about their innermost troubles openly, makes them avoid communication that is way too intimate and deep. To comprehend this situation, it may be necessary for us to look into how boys are conditioned in their societies since their childhood, and how such conditioning shapes their minds in a way that they grow up to be unable to handle conflict in a relationship. No wonder, this is why we say women tend to be ahead of the curve when it comes to maturity as compared to that of men. This is probably because as women, we are taught to be accountable and responsible for our actions, be emotionally available, excel in child care, and be the submissive self who is always soft-hearted and benevolent. Unlike these women, men are simply made familiar with the idea that someday they would have to hold a job well enough to sustain their families and become the protective guard that can never break even in times of adversity. The emphasis on building them as such rigid personalities becomes so high that they are seldom told to share their fears or emotions, express hurt, or vent it out. Rather, anger develops as a defense mechanism through which they display their weakest versions through violent actions, deluded by the idea that it makes them appear strong. The constant need to not express any pain, even when they feel it in extremes, builds up their ego which becomes way too adamant to ever accept defeat.

Beginning in boyhood, men are expected to try and conform to the societal norms of masculinity. Consequentially therefore, men grow up to control their innermost emotions and make sure to not appear ‘vulnerable’ at any cost. Failure is sinister to them, as society enforces upon them the need to build and feed a family, so much so that a man staying at home and looking after the kids appears to be an idealistic situation. To them, earning enough is not just a testimony to their ability to feed a family but also the point of validation that they can now be viewed as a potential life partner. Therefore the pressure to build a stable future is such that the constant frightening concern alienates them from the reality. The perturbing thought of coming at par with his social circle who already have the biggest positions in reputed companies, the upcoming shame from the society, family, and partner in case of failure at work, the inevitable frustration due to not being able to open up about the deepest emotions, and the overpowering burden of looking after his family and taking control of all responsibilities, can break a man so much so that he barely finds any time to reflect at himself, rather than focusing on how he could contribute to a healthy love life. Different men have different ways and strategies to cope up with such a depressing and demanding phase. Some move out of their shells and decide to communicate, irrespective of the outcomes. Some find solace in distancing themselves from the world, and hustling in silence. Some turn to alcohol, misinterpreting it as an effective solution to all their misery.

This is however not to suggest that ‘benevolent sexism’ or attributing maturity to a specific gender is the best thing to do. Describing boys as immature and girls as mature may lead women to accept the indecent and inappropriate behaviors of men, with the perception that ‘men will be men’. Likewise, men would never learn to take responsibility for their actions, and rather would justify themselves as “this is how I am”.

Therefore in every romantic relationship, the conflicted psyche of men and the aspect of benevolent sexism, that works in continuing the inevitable conflict eventually drains the bond of love and mutual understanding. While women do every possible thing to keep the spark going and alive, men’s inability to stay consistent eventually washes away all efforts. In this evident conundrum, none is to be blamed for their individual troubles, but the solution lies in mutual cooperation. If the love for the significant other has made you fall to your knees, move beyond your boundaries, embrace change, experience intimacy, visualize a happy future infused with success and excitement, and has made you dance with joy, then that same love is worth saving.

Underneath the differential conditioning of the two genders, there is a child who desires love, and wishes someone to be okay with them when they aren’t winning. Men want women to talk to them about their day (just like women want the same for themselves). Men utterly despise the idea of dependency when it comes to emotional support. This is because such a form of dependency would make him feel the burden of constantly presenting himself as your next ‘boost’ rather than his authentic self. In such a situation, women would be more susceptible to criticizing their partners. The solution therefore lies in accepting yourself and embracing self-love.

In fear of stigmatization, most men tend to avoid communicating their vulnerable thoughts. Hence, if a man speaks about his insecurities, he needs to be taken seriously and questioned for his concerns, so much so that he feels the joy of effective communication, and the level of intimacy further enhances. A man would love to be viewed as a real person who is (for a moment) free of control and agendas for the day. Deep down therefore, the wants and desires of both the partners in every relationship are way too similar. The problem lies in believing that support is demanded by only either of them. The social requirement of men to work as emotionally reliant beings often makes them unable to speak about their needs from a relationship. They constantly ‘supervise’ the signs of potential conflict in their partners, the result of which leads them to blame themselves for their failure. Over time, the extent of them avoiding conflict becomes so much that eventually they cede from trying. It is necessary for us women to realize that men value independence more than intimacy. And therefore the constant need for time and space is necessary to let them breathe and not feel suffocated by any bond. Men demand security and certainty just as we do, and that comes from approval of him and his goals. Trust builds up security, and that alone is enough to overcome the worst of hurdles.

To put it simply, for a relationship to work, we want the boys to become better men for us. And that can only be done if we consider them similar to us, and in need of the same reassurances that we yearn for. If love is to stay, the two individuals have to know that it’s only supposed to get better. The ‘efforts’ start from trying to gauge what’s going on inside, rather than imposing labels that categorize them as ‘immature’, ‘toxic’, or ‘cheats’.

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