T.W: Mentions of Suicide
It was a gloomy afternoon back in April 2016, feeling numb,clueless and then came the apocalypse in the form of words by my own mother which broke me completely, left me devastated, crying continuously and having sleepless nights. Eventually feeling suicidal and even drafting suicide notes and contemplating my own death, even tried to distract myself from all this,nothing helped and ultimately overdosing and ending up in the hospital. After being discharged from the hospital in may 2016 I lost all hopes in life of becoming an economist at the age of 17, although it was left behind but didn’t seem to leave me and kept on haunting me again and again.
Living like a dead corpse, lost all hopes in life a month went by before I was a taken to a mental health professional who advised me to be admitted to a mental hospital and knowing the conditions of the mental health institutions in India where patients are sexually abused and treated even worse than animals, me and my parents were reluctant to send me to a mental hospital. Somehow I just resumed back school in July after the summer vacations when I returned back I was not able to learn anything and nothing could register inside my head and this became a chronic condition. As they say there’s no escape, months passed by and I couldn’t appear for my exams that year due to my mental health conditions and feeling suicidal all this time.My so called relatives called me a train wreck and blamed my parents for bad parenting and everyone made me feel like as if I had committed a crime and what was my crime for not being good enough in this overly challenging society and not being student who could score 98% in 12th boards who could secure admission in top-tier North campus colleges. Maybe that was my crime for not being able to deal with the challenges of life and going insane in the fear of not getting admitted top tier DU colleges such as LSR, Hindu College, St Stephens and being able to at par with my peers.
Years passed by, everyone came a long way world changed but for me everything still stuck at that moment in 2016, guess some traumatic memories don’t leave us no matter how hard we try, even the pills didn’t helped me always, although they kept my chemicals balanced sometimes, feeling apathetic lost out on 2 years of life for not being able to keep up with the unrealistic standards and expectations of the society. Everyone said nasty things to me and framed as a bad example but no one understood how difficult it was for me to carry on with daily tasks, it was like I living in a coma. Probably it was not me, it was the chemicals inside my head and society’s unrealistic challenges which made feel this way and biggest crime was not being able to keep up with those challenges and expectations.