Trigger warning: marital rape, abuse and trauma
The other day, one of my friends, Shashi* who is undergoing a divorce case came over to visit me. As we were navigating through the array of articles on Tinder’s Let’s talk consent initiative, she had an epiphany. Shashi said, “I realised that the marital problems I was struggling with were not caused because I couldn’t give consent. It was never about NOT giving consent but about withdrawing it. I felt violated.”
Let me share a little backstory to explain how we came to this realisation.
The story began when two engineering students met each other at a skill-building event in a small town. Both of them felt a vibe between each other and, thus, began their love interest for each other. After five years of dating and being together through thick and thin, during the ups and downs of one’s career to the beginning of the other’s professional journey, from getting approvals from parents to being rejected by both grandparents, from having their brothers’ on their side to having some distant relatives offended. It was a roller coaster of love, just like in romantic Bollywood movies.
Finally, the marriage was solemnised with some family members more offended than the others, in court with hundreds of strangers and a handful of close ones in 2017. It was not that they hadn’t been physical before. But the excitement of getting married to the one they loved and thought was their soulmate was something else. As Shashi described, “You want to be embraced in each other’s arms, look into each other’s eyes, shed a tear or two and have a sigh of relief when you get to marry the love you chose.”
For Shashi, though, the newly-wedded bliss didn’t last long, rather, she had tears of shock soon after. Shashi describes their first intimate encounter post-marriage. “He came in dead drunk and forced himself on me the first time we were together in a room with the social agreement. I couldn’t believe what had happened. However, it didn’t take long to become habitual. He continued to force himself on me every day. Most of the days it was two or three times a day”.
For my “educated” mind, marriage was a given for consent, and there was no way either one could say ‘No’. However, Shashi opened my eyes to reality and beyond society’s expectations and said, “I can rightfully say NO to sex multiple times even in my marriage. One day, I tried saying No because I had a migraine, and it was very painful. To my surprise, he came up with a study that said sex could help relieve headaches. So, I gave in. This process repeated again and again to the point he demanded experimentation with sex. I tried to laugh it off as a joke, but soon I had to stop. He was very serious, and I had to deny his command again. He was determined that he will convince me later.”
I wanted to know more about how No means No. That infamous dialogue brought to life in the movie Pink unravelled in reality for Shashi. She continued, “Gradually, when the amount of “No’s” I gave him surpassed the “Yes’s”, it made him angrier. He made me feel guilty and shamed me for depriving him of his rightful asks. I tried telling him that I didn’t like the aggression in the way we have sex, and I also tried making him realise how delicate and endearing it used to be. The response was both stereotypical and annoying. He shouted at the top of his voice, “I don’t know what is wrong with you women, always keep comparing with the past. We men move on, why don’t you?!”. My response was just a mixture of confusion and frustration displayed wide on my face. He slapped me and shut the door. That night, he forced way too much and way too in. I was in grave pain the next day. I told my mother-in-law that I could not walk properly because her son is being too harsh with me. She giggled and said, “Of course, it had to be like this. It is love in marriage”. To her, it was normal”.
Lesson one that Shashi learnt after being married was that “expecting soft, gentle expressions of love- delicate hugs, caresses and intimacy is too much to ask and is often not in your control”. She added, “I was expecting too much if I just wanted to hug and sleep. I disagreed too much if I would request for softness. After marriage, it was my husband’s choice to decide the mood, the process, its impact and even how I should feel about it. My actions, reactions and responses were expected in a certain way, and I had to agree like they are my own.”
Shashi confessed that when she would not give in to the experimentation side of sex, she was verbally degraded, bullied and shamed. Her husband would end up giving her the silent treatment. Shashi said, “His anger could be felt in the way he would talk to my mother-in-law about something while making me feel left out. My migraines and periods didn’t help at this time. I had to give in most of these days because I couldn’t bear the burden of silence in the relationship. He wouldn’t be happy at the end of it either. Because he would call it ‘pity sex’. For me, it was damage control sex. I tried talking to him and sharing my feelings, but his denial was loud and clear”.
Lesson two that Shashi learnt after being married was “Silent treatment from one partner can push the other one to have a feeling of being stuck and caged with no escape.” His anger with Shashi, in an attempt to guilt her, soon got out of control and took a physical form – throwing things, slapping her, getting annoyed easily and shouting in fighting matches.
Her mother-in-law would taunt Shashi, “He is not satisfied in bed; that’s why he is getting angrier with each passing day.” Shashi was pushed into guilt and self-blame. She kept on questioning herself, constantly trying to figure out ways to make him feel special. Nothing was working. She planned special date nights, dinners with family, bought gifts that he once longed for, and even learnt to make his favourite dishes. But nothing worked. She felt restless and helpless, and at last, Shashi gave in. She said, “I was crying throughout. I felt like a pig or a dog being forced – but he ignored my tears and continued. I felt violated.”
Lesson three that Shashi learnt after being married was “It is hard to try to withdraw consent. At times the consent will be violated, and there is no other choice if you want to save the marriage.” Several people in similar situations might have umpteen reasons to save their marriage. Sometimes, it is for the sake of the children, with their upbringing being emotionally and financially taxing. Sometimes, it is societal and family pressure and/or a lack of awareness about alternative choices. It could be anything and everything. Shashi was taught by her grandmother that sacrifice and compromise are the keys to a happy marriage. I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s bad advice.
However, in some cases like these where one partner has taken over the life and decisions of the other partner, it becomes insufferable, and this advice adds to the ever-growing pile of guilt. Shashi insisted, “It took me two bone fractures, one STD, two police complaints, two lawyers, four years, one set of parents hating and cursing me while the other maintaining a safe distance from me to come out of this marriage”.
A Tinder study reveals over 65% of surveyed people “Don’t know how to give consent, how to ask for it or how to withdraw it”, while 50% of these “Don’t know what to do if their consent is violated”. At the end of the day, you or me, or any woman like Shashi, could be a part of this statistic. Many of us are still learning what consent is and how to exercise it.
*Shashi- name concealed to protect privacy.
References can be checked here, here and here.
Feautured image is for representational purposes only.