Maybe when your heart pounds in a way that freezes your senses, it’s not your body that sweats out water but your eyes in joy. Maybe when your eyes sparkle without you making an effort, You sound and do stupid even by the lowest standards of stupidity. These things happen to tell you, go back, son, control, correct and distort your vision. What’s next is catastrophic, tremendous but catastrophic. It ends many you of yours. And you may not like the endgame. Better move back when that happens and do not come up with whether it will happen or not. It won’t. It never does.
Everything was screaming- The Sun, the sea and my head. That forever isn’t a lie, and I won’t be timid about flying, but there comes a time when you fail to hold your head high and fly. We are all different, and we must not be judged but understood. It’s a very lonely and painful feeling when someone you care about or love becomes a stranger for being judged by you and judging you for failing at the basics. I didn’t know words could be so true when they said, if it doesn’t kill you from within, a million times in a million ways, you haven’t had it, son, you haven’t had it. I couldn’t agree more. So this is it.
Since I am not someone who considers life a trial room cause people are not clothes, life is not a trial room. They say in poems, ”As it’s I who has loved and not you thus I alone have to deal with it”, thus so will I? The heart is heavy and, like heavy clouds in the sky, is relieved by letting off the waters. I bid adieu. I finally bid. I am letting go of myself. To wherever it takes. I am done holding out. It’s time I release myself. It’s time to disappear to appear To appear as always rogue, rough, rake, funny, fool, and fisher.
If I had thousands life, I’d marry you in all of them except one. As in that one, I may be at some mountain top, sitting alone, writing a memoir or a poem about you, maybe in a house of two rooms, lonely, with just books around and lots of time to read. Friends on weekends to laugh about life and love and losing oneself to someone to the extent of losing yourself. We will laugh at that, even as I wet my eyes today. Sometimes, I would go out and flirt with some women to feel how it felt like talking to you all over again when I was enjoying myself and losing myself to freedom to rise in love, unaware of the fall. I would be thinner in that life, certainly not as fatty as now. I would cycle to farms and sit along rivers and ask the airs to bring me the smell of your body and pass over there for hours in absolute calm. I will no longer smoke and walk on the beach on some vacation as the sun sets, and I will find stars on the ground next time my feet. I would wonder if I will find you again someday.