TW- Mentions Of Rape, Sexual Assault.
Most women lead dual lives, one outside, where they talk feminism and defy the norms of the society, and another, at home, where they hide all of this from their parents and neighbours. This duality causes a lot of conflict within, along with the ”dignified women don’t do this” conditioning forced upon us growing up. But, following the laws of nature, the repressed likes and desires of a woman find expression once she finds a little freedom. Sadly, the lack of natural interaction with men sets her up for exploitation.Hushed down rape and the enigma of consent.
Indian parents should learn that they can’t protect their girls from men all their lives. If we are to be treated as kids unknowing of the world, we’d be doing evolution a disservice. Anyway, in the name of protection, we are so guarded that when we finally find expression, we don’t know how to tell the bad men from the good. We go around trusting all the sweet talkers and feminism fakers. We believe that they are progressive men who understand this expression of our sexuality. We begin to learn the world a little too late.
Women who drink, smoke, date or simply hang out with a bunch of boys are considered characterless, even today, in metro cities and everywhere else. In some places, people don’t say it openly that they are judging you but their deep conditioning of how a decent woman should act takes over making them look at you differently. There are two kinds here, the ones who distance themselves or minimise their interaction with you, and the ones who sweet talk or praise your bold nature to get into your pants.
For the longest time, I wondered why women who are taken advantage of by men sexually, sometimes multiple men in the same night, walk back into the same place. It puzzled me. Then, something basic about human nature gave me an idea. When a person treats you badly, the mind’s immediate reaction is to go back to that person and win them over, because we think that we are the problem. There is a feeling of shame about putting ourselves in a vulnerable position. We want to wipe that away by going back to the scene and fixing it.
In the same way, the woman feels a lot of shame and she doesn’t want to believe that she has been exploited. She goes back there in a desperate attempt to fix it because her psyche is unable to make peace with what had happened. She hopes it will all be set right but it only gets worse. Even when there is no physical exploitation, and a woman has been chatting with a man who turns out to be an a**hole, the tendency is to blame herself. There is always that bad feeling for opening ourselves up like that, after ugly incidents.
Social conditioning runs deep. In these scenarios, the woman does feel like she has done something wrong even though her mind knows that she is not the one at fault. The bad feeling is a mixture of many ununderstood emotions. And, the mind desperately tries to wipe it all away. But, it puts us in more trouble with every effort it makes. Meanwhile, the boys are spreading nonsense. Here is where women fail women. Instead of understanding the plight of the woman involved, some women spread it like good news.
Questions as to why she let it happen arise. A lot of women have difficulty saying no in situations that are alien to them. We were brought up to say yes and be docile. Sometimes we know that we are uncomfortable but we don’t want to create a scene and simply believe in the goodness of human beings. That’s why we would continue to respond to texts from a guy who is flirty until the sexual intention is made explicit. Everybody loves attention and opposite genders attract. If you have a problem, question nature. And, if all men do is go around looking for f**k buddies, it’s not the woman’s fault for being human.
When the woman finally speaks up, not minding the effect on family and relationships, she is easily put down. Forget the trad uncles and aunties who judge and the guilty men who accuse and the parents who disown, modern women themselves raise unnecessary questions. It’s easy to call out men far away and stand by women we don’t know. But, when it comes to our small towns and offices, we tend to stay out of trouble, or continue being friends with such men giving them credibility, or simply being bitter towards women. Let’s face it, this is common.
Few women who gather support are smeared endlessly. And, the women who stand by them are labelled crazy and dismissed for being unnecessarily angry. Social exclusion is one of the tactics used by such men to make women want to tolerate their exploitation. All this is done without conscious plotting and planning sometimes. Because, the human tendency is to smear the other before they smear us with the truth. So, next time a man unnecessarily talks about a woman, call her up and find out the truth.