I am 28 years old, and I have written a lot over these years, but I am very certain that this piece is very different. For I know it feels special, and for the first time, I am writing publicly.
To start off, I feel happy.
I have been thinking or more like mulling over writing this for a long time now, and it’s not about how sad, painful, traumatic and tragic things have turned out to be in my life. But instead, it’s about how transforming these last nine months have been since I started making conscious space for myself and how liberating it has been in essence. It’s taken me so long to start writing this as I have to come to an understanding that transformations like these don’t always come as something swift, but with a lot of excruciating experiences. It’s not always easy to track growth, personally or professionally.
I have forever thought myself to be a very crappy person, very dumb in everything, people hate me, feeling so disconnected with my emotions to the point I would never accept the fact that something “Disturbed” me. Still, I would lone and zone myself out of any uncomfortable social events or interactions. Although, I had a realization of these thoughts much later.
I have my many reasons rooted in deprivations of social exposure during my formative years (its impacts still follow painfully), childhood abuses in multiple forms, gender bias, patriarchy, hierarchy, moral policing of how a “good girl” I should be and many layers of this casteist, monogamous, misogynistic society in different manifestations. I never believed or even had thoughts that I am only a human and I can only bear so much until a couple of years back when I started being entirely on my own.
Now, let me tell you for a fact that growing up, the one thing that has constantly stuck in my mind that I remember very well (I have gaps in my memory from childhood as a result of multiple traumas) was to leave my house and be an independent woman with as minimal human connections as possible, because the humans I knew then were not very humanly to me.
But I barely knew how to socialize, understand or manage my own emotions, and got multiple panic attacks and psychosomatic dysmenorrhea which made me highly dysfunctional socially, physically and mentally, which is the point when I started realizing slowly how unfortunate events had turned out for me and how I hardly had any resources in self or around to come through. It was very much later, after this point, when I realized the importance of a safe space in the journey of healing and growth.
Right now, I do not want to keep talking further about how deeply wounded I am, but I want to talk about how I have been healing despite so many challenges daily. A lot of times, I feel very grounded and willing to learn from anyone and anything. It probably comes from my poor self-esteem, but learning new things has always fascinated me, even though I pose difficulties socially.
I have noticed myself over time, I learn better when I engage in it practically with non-discriminating guidance and knowledge sharing without any barriers or biases from both sides. But such a thing is a rarity, I feel, or that’s what I have experienced, maybe. In these last nine months, I have started doing many things I would never have thought I would do. I have connected myself more with nature and been more earth friendlier as much as I can. I have been friendlier to my body still a long way to go. I have started painting more frequently, knitting and crocheting consistently, and engaging myself in movement, dance, singing and puppetry, helping me find a grip in this life.
Hope is a beautiful word. But I learnt to associate myself with it only a few months back. I didn’t even know I could rewire my brain like that. My PhD journey has been helping me that way. I am working on expressive arts, Cognitive Behavior Therapy and strengths-based group intervention for the improved mental health of LGBTQ. As I go through this path, I feel so many beautiful things happening in my life that I have not felt before. Feeling connected with people, feeling comfortable and safe around the people am associating myself with, building healthier relationships, having fun and relaxed social time, being more in touch with my emotions and communicating as healthily as I can, drawing boundaries, zoning out much less frequently and feeling more connected with my body.
Gratitude is another beautiful word. Again I have felt very less before, but been feeling more often in the last nine months because of the space I have rented for myself just to let my thoughts flow without any inhibitions. I have surprised myself with a lot of repressed memories surfacing randomly, and a lot of times, it leaves me devastated and frozen for long hours. Initially, it’d go for days. I still have gravely painful periods, but the number of days has reduced, and my help-seeking behaviour has improved slightly. I have been learning about myself, validating myself, and giving a lot of self-care. Am still learning to be kind to me and others without making a fool of myself.
I still have anxieties, but I see myself in different situations every day, and I manage them mostly fine. And that’s enough as of now. I know am growing to be a better person, a better human. And I feel grateful for some significant people in my life who have been teaching me to be a better self. My mother,, despite her conservative and suppressed background, has tried her best to connect with me. I am truly blessed to have a guide who has only been supportive, understanding and kind to me. My partner has stuck through these last couple of years with me despite so many hardships. And some dear friends around the world. I feel so much gratitude.