“Red: These walls are kind of funny.
“Red: These walls are amusing. First, you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. Enough time passes, gets so dependent on them. That’s institutionalized. “
This quote from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption” is very crucial to me because it contains the pain and suffering that “being institutionalized” brings to someone’s life. Brooks Hatlen was completely absorbed by the rules after spending 50 years of his life in prison. His sense of existence, worth, belonging, and satisfaction depended on prison rules and regulations, so when he was released, he struggled to adjust to life without rules. Freedom outside the prison became a source of pain for him, as his desires, hopes, and enthusiasm were all absorbed during his 50 years in prison. He eventually ended his life, unable to cope with his newly found freedom.
Having worked for seven years in the same company spending an average of 10 hours to 12 hours each day, somehow I too became what Brook Halten eventually turned into, a victim of “being institutionalized”. Endless meetings, client instructions, HR-defined behaviours, phoney smiles, mechanical emotions, and the fear of being fired have dominated my daily life for the last seven years. I became so engrossed in these that a day away from the office became exhausting for me. Being idle at home made me feel purposeless and bored. Life would have gone on as usual if the lockdown had not occurred.
Two years ago, the lockdown came into place when offices got closed and everyone was asked to work from their isolated workspaces. My difficulties began there. My typical daily life schedule was abruptly altered, and I found myself feeling purposeless and disoriented because all of my purpose and goals were dependent solely on the office cubical. My institutionalized mind struggles to draft even a simple email in the absence of client instructions.
My newly discovered “freedom” quickly became a challenge for me
I gradually realized that the world outside of the office had changed dramatically in the previous seven years. Like Brook Halden, my skills, social behaviour, and everything else appear to be redundant to cope with this free world. It ruined both my professional and personal lives. I got to the point where Mr Brook said, “Don’t stay,” but I rejected what he chose for himself.
I promised myself that instead of extinguishing my life, I would cherish it.
After months of struggle and family support, I have finally escaped the Tartarus known as “Institutionalized.”
Today is my last day at work, for as long as I can remember, I have been filled with fear of termination, humiliation, and the rubble of failure, but for the first time, I did something with a sense of accomplishment.
What comes next…? Actually, there isn’t anything. I just want to do enough so that by the first dawn of 2023, I’ll be a better version of myself…
Carpe diem.