Trigger warning: mentions of abuse and sexual assault
“When I came back to my full senses, I jumped into the shower, and pulled put my top, my body was shivering. I was alone in the flat. I went to the balcony, wasn’t feeling good”, Yodha* tells me, sharing how she felt after her friend molested her.
“I was with a guy friend, we sat down, partied, drank, and I passed out. Suddenly I felt he was on me trying to take advantage, I pushed him, I was not on par with him, and it gave me a big scar whatever happened. It had a huge impact on me. It felt very dirty you know, I showered for a long time. The body smell was still there. I was feeling disgusted. I got a massive panic attack, there was no one, and I was crying alone. I called up my sister who was in Nagpur. I have been fighting depression, this incident triggered it. There were days I could not get up from bed. I was on medication.
What he did was a crime. He molested me. A part of me wanted to go to the police then I thought things will get dirty, no one is going to support me, you know the reality of court and the justice system. Society also tends to make you feel as if your life has ended after such incidents. Your body has been violated but life does not end.
When I think about it, initially I blamed myself but later I knew none of those incidents was my fault. It was never my fault. I never deserved that, no one deserves that. I do feel angry sometimes, I want to slap him if I find him someday. People don’t know what is sexual assault. These experiences have left me traumatized. I’m fighting. I will continue to fight. I’m a fighter. I really hope we don’t have to hear such stories from other women in the future. I hope there are more fortunate women who don’t go through what most of us had to experience,” Yodha* says recounting the traumatising experience.
And there was a pause at the moment. We looked at each other and smiled. A smile of hope.
I can resonate with Yodha, I wish for a world, a society, a system, a culture that is safe, safe for women. It aches my heart to learn that many of us have carried such traumatic experiences in silence.
Do you know, you may already know a woman who experienced sexual assault silently?
Either by an uncle who is occasionally found in family functions or that friend she trusted to spend some good time with or that cousin at her aunt’s place or that casual friend she went to hang out with or that teacher or that partner she thought respects her, or that stranger who just rubbed their hand on her breast and passed by or anyone else, she knows or she doesn’t know.
“The one that impacted me the most was experiencing sexual abuse by one of the family members. It impacted my trust and self-confidence for a long time. And I remember being unsure of ‘what to feel’/ ‘how to respond’ to sexual encounters after that.”, said Kopal*
“I dropped a year, my chemistry teacher started touching me my hands, my legs, no one believed me. I had a nervous breakdown, the way he used to touch felt dirty, I felt like screaming”, said Kajal*
And these experiences leave women with an unimaginable impact. I approached 51 women, between the age group of 20 and 41 years from different cities in India ranging from students, working fellows, freelancers, research scholars, working professionals, and caregivers (homemakers) who shared their experiences. 51% of these women have had unwanted sexual experiences at some point in their life. The nature and impact of these experiences were diverse.
In many situations, men used force, manipulation, position, power, emotional intimacy, dominance, expressed entitlement to receive a blowjob, nudging to do a particular sexual act to women, and sexual gaslighting. Women upon reflecting upon their unwanted sexual experiences shared feelings; irritation, guilt, anger, disgust, frustration, fear, losing the ability to trust, being judged, feeling distant with their bodies and sexual desires, restrained from the sexual experience, developing hatred towards men, experiencing self-doubt, low self-esteem, felt cheated, hurt, broken, unacknowledged, vulnerable, unheard.
Many women shared feeling a lack of agency; struggling to say no, feeling inferior to the male encounter, feeling a lack of power, feeling that their needs were not considered, feeling pressured, and being accommodating due to years of conditioning to please the partner.
“I feel that being a female I tend to be more accommodating about my partner’s desires and less assertive about my own.”, said Kavya*
There is a collective sense of “I wish it didn’t happen”, but each of us is on our own journey, we may meet at some point, sit and talk, may feel connected over our shared trauma, but each of our experiences is different, and our voices matter.
Women’s voices on the impact
What stopped me to push him?
“I resisted but what if I would have pushed, and hit the person to stop it from happening? What stopped me from using physical force?,” said Kabita*
After the incidents, many women thought about what could they have done differently. Some women experience shock, fear, and disgust as a consequence of sexual assault.
“I was on my periods, felt uncomfortable. I resisted. I was scared and shocked. I froze, felt numb and confused”, said Kanika*
Research affirms that fear is a common immediate and short-term impact. Being paralyzed by fear does not mean the person wanted the assault to happen. Even if the person “decides” that it is safest not to physically resist the situation, this does not mean they wanted it to happen or gave consent.
Will I Ever Feel Safe?
As per Elaine Ducharme, clinical psychologist, women experience trauma at the time the event happens and the trauma can continue, one can experience it repeatedly. The occurrence and memory of the traumatic event may have a long-lasting impact.
“It feels traumatic to even think about it. I purposefully try to repress those thoughts and memories so I won’t have to go through them.”, said Ratna*
“I burst out in tears or experience extreme anger when someone touches my head. I know they mean no harm, I get flashbacks and it feels as if I was abused again.”, said Rashmi*
“Every time someone knocks when I’m using the washroom, I start screaming. Suddenly a knock makes me feel as if someone is coming to abuse me”, said Rohini*
The body after experiencing assault remembers trauma and abuse, thus sometimes even when the person is safe may feel attacked. Like Rashmi re-experiencing as though the assault is actually occurring again. Places, situations, or people that a person associates with abusive experiences can remind them of the trauma like Rohini feels scared in the washroom.
Read: Triggers: What Are They?
According to a study, women sexually assaulted are likely to experience feelings of shame or guilt, social isolation or withdrawal, problems sleeping, eating disorders, flashbacks or nightmares, avoidance of certain places/things related to the event, anxiety disorders, PTSD, depression, and suicidal thoughts or actions.
Why Dees It Feel Like You Will Force Me?
After experiencing sexual trauma, for some women enjoying sexual contact can be difficult. Although there is no single behavioural reaction to sexual assault, research suggests that one may experience pain, fear, or anxiety with sexual contact. Shame and guilt caused by the trauma can also interfere with their desire for and satisfaction from sex.
“Once when I had gone to my date’s apartment, I had these thoughts what if there are cameras in the room and it records? What if suddenly more people walk in and assault me? What if he forced me to give him a blowjob?”, said Ahana*
“I have experienced unwanted sexual experiences several times. Those incidents have shaped a lot of my perspective on sex and sexual relation between a man and woman.”, said Adya*
“The experience was hard on me. It shaped a negative attitude towards my sexual life. After that relationship, I was unable to get sexually active (penetrative) sex for almost 3 years.”, said Arohi*
Impact On Physical Health
Women who have been sexually assaulted experience diverse impacts. Besides putting women at risk of mental health conditions, in some cases, sexual assault may have physical health impacts.
As per the Australian Centre for the Study of Sexual Assault, physical impacts can include but are not limited to; damage to the urethra, vagina, and anus, gastrointestinal, sexual, and reproductive health problems, increased risk of contracting STI, HIV/AIDS, unwanted pregnancy and decisions regarding abortion, pelvic pain, chronic diseases such as diabetes and arthritis.
It is important to understand that impacts are intense, it interferes with everyday life and decisions, whom to trust? How to cope? Was that wrong? Will he take no for a no? How will I react if he forces me? How to feel comfortable in my body? Why did he pat me, it got it all back. How do I fall asleep? Why does this feel disgusting?
*Names changed to protect their identity