Going through puberty when you’re 26 can be quite the rollercoaster ride. If you thought riding the tumultuous waves of puberty was tough at 13, imagine what it must feel like a decade (and some more) later! I don’t have to imagine it, of course, as I am going through it myself.
When you are a teenager, your peers are going through puberty too. You are awkward, but so is everybody else. Hence (their) awkwardness neutralises (your) awkwardness.
But, when you are making your way to your late 20s, everyone seems to be either moving countries, getting married, or making babies!
This is not to say that you want what they want.
However, suddenly, everyone seems to be super confident about making life-altering decisions while you are busy navigating the day-to-day of puberty 2.0 (a little less awkwardly than the first time around, one hopes)—the contrast couldn’t be more apparent.
“I Am Changing Every Single Day”
Taking testosterone shots once a month means that I am welcoming a host of changes in my body (and mind, by extension and association). I am changing at a pace that is very slow and gradual.
And yet, it feels like I am changing at a pace I can’t quite keep up with because I notice something new about me almost every single day.
Let me give you some examples to illustrate this.
Currently, a pimple infestation has firmly established its presence on my face, like an unwanted government in a democratic country.
I have the urge to name a new pimple or pop an old one, but I try to resist these urges as best as I can. What’s more, I now have bacne. Yes, you guessed it right: that’s acne on one’s back. This is because my body is producing more sweat and oil as I go through puberty again.
Beyond a point, there isn’t a lot I can do to deal with the acne, except to let this embarrassing phase pass with as much humility and grace as I can muster. My inherent narcissism and crudeness have certainly taken a beating.
“I Dreamt Of Growing A Moustache”
It’s not all bad, though. I woke up one morning to find thin, black hairs sprouting on my upper lip. The amount of euphoria it gave me to look at myself in the mirror only to notice a baby mooch (moustache) developing is inexplicable.
One might be tempted to ask: it’s just a moustache yaar, so what’s the big deal?
Well, yaar, unlike other men who just knew they would grow a moustache one fine day, I had no such guarantees. I have had to fight for mine.
I will be lying if I say I haven’t dreamt of twirling the ends of my handlebar moustache like the cool villain from a Bollywood flick.
I have also dreamt about what it would be like to shave my facial hair for the first time, with a lover or friend by my side, for moral support, and so they can document the process for me.
“I Think I Sound Like Love Guru“
It’s the little things that count for a lot in trans* lives. Often, it’s the ordinary that excites us… Evades us.
A couple of other physical changes have become more and more prominent as I arrive fashionably late to the puberty party: thicker thighs and more body hair, for instance.
Also, within the span of a few months, I have gone from sounding like Jaya Bachchan to sounding like the ‘Big B’ of Bollywood: Amitabh Bachchan. I kid you not! I currently sound like I could be hosting a late-night love guru show on the radio.
The bass and the gravitas (if I may say so myself) make for a mellifluous sonic experience.
I already warned you about my narcissism, didn’t I?
“I Am Becoming The Man I Always Was”
Anyhoo, you will be glad to note that a baby beard is also making its presence known of late. There is a 5 o’clock shadow I see (maybe 2 o’clock if I am being fair, but it’s there).
Others may not see it just yet: the facial hair and the man in me. But, slowly and steadily, I can see myself metamorphosing into the man I always knew I was.
P.S. Before I wrap up my piece, I would like to insert a neat little caveat: every (trans*) body is different! While every trans* person may not desire physical changes, I certainly did. My journey and joys may not be the same as another trans masculine person’s. This little excerpt from my personal diary is only meant to educate (if at all), and not to agitate anyone.
Featured image is for representational purposes only. Photo credit: PixaHive.
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