Trigger warning: mentions of sexual assault
“I have grown up in a middle-class family in Haridwar. Haridwar is located on the right bank of the holy Ganga, I still remember the mornings by the ghat, sitting on the stairs, sipping chai, birds chirping, people bathing in Ganga, and some people performing the Puja ceremony. The city is religious and famous for its temples.
As a child growing up here, there was no space to question religious beliefs. What I heard, what I saw, I believed.
There is a tradition among brides to be; months from their marriage they use haldi (turmeric powder) mixture to clean themselves. Haldi mixture is made of many ingredients like milk, yoghurt, oil, etc. The process of making the mixture, putting, and removing the haldi takes one hour or more sometimes. I was curious so I asked why do brides put on haldi?
“Arre, his husband is going to touch her, she should be clean, soft, and smooth like butter,” responded an aunty who assists the bride in the haldi bath process.
I remember during wedding time, adults made sex jokes, and gifted condoms, scented candles, and fancy lingerie to the bride and groom. From elders to younger ones, everyone was involved in decorating the groom’s room for the ‘first night’. In conversation with married sisters, and friends I learned that marriage’s first night is believed to be the night when partners consummate. Sometimes, bloodstains on the sheets are expected after the first night which supposedly proves the bride’s virginity. It was expected to maintain chastity before marriage.
As a young girl, I was conditioned to view the sexual act as something sacred the premarital sexual act was a big NO-NO. This is how growing up in a Hindu religion influenced my sexuality. These religious practices were also reflected in pop culture back then.
Sexual intimacy was connected with marriage, commitment, and love. Women’s participation was passive, actors would make the first move and the actress’s reaction would be to feel shy. In other corners too, these daily soaps projected women with limited freedom of movement, absolutely no decision making, and behaving obediently. Remember those ‘agyakari’ women characters Prerna, Parvati, Tulsi?
The school culture also failed to set the right examples. In my school, girls and boys were not allowed to sit together. The teachers of the school shamed students if they suspected a romantic relationship or close friendship between different genders. The school policed students by informing parents about the child’s acts. “Do you know your daughter speaks with boys at night?” the chairman said to my mother in his office. I was in class 9th, standing there fearfully. Interestingly, my mum supported me but this incident left me traumatized for many days. What a shame on such educational institutes and such people in leadership positions.
I wish as a child, I was taught about sexual attraction, safe and unsafe touch, and healthy sexual practices. None of my math, economics, or science came to rescue me when I was assaulted for the first time or the next time. I was confused about what happened.
As a child, multiple people abused me at different times. The perpetrators, as in most cases of sexual abuse, were people I had known; relatives, a teacher. I remember feeling freezing, powerless, unaware, unsafe, unheard, frustrated, and angry. These emotions never left me. These have become part of my life now.
My body doesn’t know it’s a thing of the past.
Some days I wake up hastily with a sense of fear only to realize I’m safe. Sometimes even a safe and feather-light touch on my shoulder, head, and cheeks makes me feel unsafe and disgusted.
It is a well-known fact that childhood experiences affect adulthood. One sexual assault paved the way for many to assault. Of course, each perpetrator is to blame and not me, what I mean is when a sexual encounter wanted to do something to my body against my will, I felt disgusted but I thought that’s how it is done. I felt wronged but hardly had the courage to do anything about it.
I don’t remember being taught about consent as an adolescent, it was quite later I learned about “No means No”. What I do remember is being told to dress fully, that cleavage should be covered, to not go out when it’s dark, and to be aware of strangers.
The decision-making process to do a sexual act was not done together. They would initiate and I would play along. Some days I liked it, some days I didn’t.
My gender, religion, and every sexual assault experience gave me a clear message I have no authority over my body. That I have no say in sexual interaction. That it doesn’t matter what I want. These experiences established unequal power between me and others.
These are Roshni’s words, my friend, my confidante, and survivor of sexual assault. But are these just Roshni’s words?
It is disturbing that every other woman I have spoken to has their own story of sexual assault. Sexual abuse is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to anyone irrespective of age, or gender. We as a society have a bigger role to play in ensuring justice and unless we take responsibility to stand against the act nothing will ever change.
No Means No, Consent Isn’t Gray
Many young women experience assault by a partner, date, friend, or stranger. Shockingly, these women have experienced abuse multiple times.
The close observation of Roshni’s experience and other women’s experiences implies that every time someone forces a woman to engage in a sexual act against her will, it tells her that her will is irrelevant, she is not the one to decide. The perpetrator reduces the worth of a woman to be a means of his pleasure. In such an act male privilege and control over women are expressed. She is not seen as capable of deciding for her body and her decision is not regarded.
Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya, Hum Sath Sath Hain, Rehna Hain Tere Dil Me, Ranjhana, and Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham are just a few examples of movies where male characters are taking decisions, and express their sexual interest.
Numbers Speak Louder Than Women
As per the latest data available, of the total cases of crimes against women in 2020, there were 28,046 incidents of rape involving 28,153 victims, according to the NCRB data. In most cases, the offender was known to the women who experienced sexual assault. In cases, the offender is known, the sexual assault breaches the trust.
In conversation with many women who had experienced sexual assault, they perceived sex as an unpleasant and painful act in intimate relations. They thought its normal to feel uncomfortable and yet engage in sexual activity. Due to power inequities in relationships between men and women, women are usually viewed as sexually passive. They struggled to say no because when they did say no, it was never well-received.
Many women suffer silently because there is no acknowledgement of sexual assault in intimate relations, first, there is a doubt whether their nonconsensual sexual experience was assault or not? Then whom should they approach or how should they approach? Many a time women who experienced assault are attached to the person and due to emotional turmoil, she doesn’t know how to address the sexual assault experience. This is an infringement of fundamental human rights, which has long-term serious mental and physical health consequences.
These incidents call for the need to understand women’s agency. The culture of respect for women needs to be fostered from a young age and the root causes of sexual assault need to be tackled.
It is astonishing how many of us have to experience sexual assault, how assaulting behaviour is normalized, how society shames us for raising our voices, and how narratives can make us distrust our own experiences.
I say I’m not comfortable and I don’t want to engage in a sexual act with you. Period.
*Roshni’s name has been changed to protect her identity.