Trigger warning: marital rape
“You are my wife, I can have sex with you, whenever I want, wherever I want and however I want!”
Priya*, a close friend of mine shared this exchange with me, whose husband constantly reminded her of this while she suffers from migraine really often.
“I should not be begging you for sex, you are my wife, not some random woman.
“I am your husband, but your choices have made me a beggar who comes with demanding sex. This is not what I signed up for.”
Sneha*, another friend of mine, told me this in March 2020, that her husband said this to her, one year into their marriage.
“If you work then I also work, my needs (sexual) are important. Just because you had a lot of work, why do I need to control myself.”
Sally*, a Dutch woman and professional acquaintance shared this with me in August 2020. “Don’t work so much at your office if you cannot deal with things at home,” her Dutch husband told her; two kids and almost six years into the marriage.
One of my other friends, currently planning their first child, told me this in August 2020. “Why do you have to fast on Thursdays or are you making an excuse to not have sex on Thursdays?” her Indian husband repeatedly said to her, two and a half years into the marriage.
My mother, now 54 years old, told me this as part of conversations with my late father. She would escape unwanted intimacy by fasting on certain days.
Marital rape is recognised as a legal crime in over 150 countries. India is not one of them. According to the Indian penal code section (IPC) 375, marital rape is not illegal and therefore cannot be criminalised. About 30% of Indian women aged 18-49 reported having experienced spousal violence, as per a recent National Family Health Survey (NFHS).
While the above statements and questions may appear strikingly one-sided, these statements are actual words from a few married Indian and Dutch women I interacted with to understand how does the act of marital rape play out in the everyday lives of many married women across the world. The women I interacted with are both homemakers as well as full-time workers in academic and non-academic fields.
There are two factors to marital rape that can be understood from the above statements: first is the sense of possession and objectification of the women in question and second, the sense of ownership and condemnation when the requirements are not met.
Multiple thoughts arise in women when they face such abuse. Some of the most commonly heard after-thoughts from the above-mentioned women were : “I left my family. Will my parents take me back in? How will they face society and the stigma around this?” “How will I make them understand?” “I have to adjust in new ways, maybe this is how marriage works!” “Who do I talk to about this awkward interaction and intimacy?” “Should I take my personal issues and doubts out of the bedroom by sharing with a friend?” “Should I talk to his mother but maybe she needs time to accommodate me as a new member in her family?” “Is it too soon to complain? Will he listen if I open up about the feeling?”
The infamous Nirbhaya gang rape in 2012 triggered a mass movement across the country demanding security for women in public spaces and the workplace. It led to the reformation of India’s sexual assault laws amending them further to include minor rapists and harsher punishments, longer prison sentences with a wider definition of what constitutes rape. However, this also inadvertently reinforced the idea that women are unsafe only outside their homes.
According to the survey (NFHS) which interviewed 724,115 women across the country, the average woman has 17 times more likelihood of facing sexual violence from her husband. But according to IPC section 375, it is clearly mentioned as an exception stating “Sexual intercourse or sexual acts by a man with his own wife, the wife not being under 15 years of age, is not rape”.
There is widespread knowledge against this exception highlighting its patriarchal roots. Under Indian constitutional rights Article 14 (right for equal treatment under law) and Article 21 (right to life and personal liberty), a few women’s rights organisations and individuals have filed for the criminalisation of marital rape in Delhi High Court. The case is ongoing as of January 2022.
Men Don’t Want To Marry If They Don’t Get Sex?
On the contrary, several male-gender-focussed organisations and groups have appreciated this exclusion and openly declared boycotting marriages under #MarriageStrike.
Their main concerns?
Firstly, is that western world inspired movements like #MeToo etc have already caused disintegration among families. Therefore, the criminalisation of marital rape will make the laws pro-female which is unfair to other genders.
Secondly, marital laws can be abused by women in their favour where financial aid after divorce is already an added advantage in the favour of women*.
Thirdly, it will be hard to prove what and how ‘consent’ will be defined in marriage which is a traditional, sacred and religious act, wherever applicable.
The latter two out of the three reasons quoted above are also the stance of various state high courts where the legality of marital rape is contested by individuals and civil society organisations.
Contesting marital rape will bring hope to a lot of anonymous women including the ones mentioned above to recognise and use their voices. Society has always found ways to create obstacles for women who speak out for themselves over their children, husbands or in-laws.
The families of these women will face the society that is condemning them for speaking out the ‘hidden truth’ which lays bare the harsh reality behind the facade of the ‘happy Indian marriage’.
In earlier times women would suffer in silence. However, now there is a ray of hope, with modern feminist movements such as #MeToo encouraging women to exercise their rights and agency.
With the momentum that this issue has picked up in recent online and legal discourse, it provides courage and empowerment for several such ‘hidden and closed-door experiences’ to come out of the bedrooms.
*Names have been changed to protect identities
Footnote: Walby Sylvia (2015). Stopping rape: Towards a comprehensive policy. Bristol Policy Press. P. 123. Retrieved March 10th, 2022.
*According to the Hindu marriage act and Special Marriage Act 1954, both genders are allowed to seek financial aid or alimony from their spouses in case of divorce and codependency.
This is the first part of the three-part series on ‘marital rape and its legal ramifications in India‘ as a part of the Justicemakers’ Writer’s Training Program, run in partnership with Agami and Ashoka’s Law For All Initiative. The second and third parts can be found here and here.