Divorced? It’s okay.
Given the controversial nature of this topic in the scope of our neo-progressive culture in India today, I feel obligated to preface my perspective with a few pointers:
I do not advocate divorce/separation as a solution for any and all problems that people may face in a relationship/marriage.
All relationships take a lot of work and conflicts in relationships are almost inevitable. Thus, separation is more of a last resort than a go-to move.
This article aims to remove the stigma associated with seeking a divorce in relationships which are beyond repair.
With that out of the way, allow me to defend my take. Let’s start with some data, then some analysis and finally, the perspective.
Divorce In India
The divorce rate in India is lower than 1%. A BBC report of 2016 stated that out of 1,000, only 13 marriages end in divorce in India. 1.36 million people in India are divorced. That is equivalent to 0.24% of the married population and 0.11% of the total population.
In India, 30% of women have experienced domestic violence at least once from when they were aged 15, and around 4% of ever-pregnant women have experienced spousal violence during pregnancy.
According to the study conducted by the city-based Centre for Sustainable Development (CSD), unmarried people (61.6%) are more likely to be happy when compared to their married counterparts (58.2%), and happiness sees a steady decline with increasing age.
Those in the 18–25 age group are the happiest at 63%, while those above 60 years (56.5%) have the lowest percentage. Within the happy population, 26% reported that they were “very happy”, while 74% said they were “happy”.
Around 1,800 people were surveyed in the city from across age groups, income brackets and relationship statuses. As per the survey, those aged 18–25 years, employed middle-aged women in the middle-income category and living in nuclear families tend to be happier. The survey was conducted over 8 months in 2018.
With the last two points, the first one doesn’t seem to agree. And it’s not really a surprise.
The Pressure Of Getting (And Staying) Married
To begin with, we’ve all heard the infamous words:
“Love marriage fuljhadi jaisi hoti hai. Tez jalti hai par kam hi chalti hai. Arranged marriage agarbatti jaisi hoti hai. Dheeme jalti hai magar lambi chalti hai.”
I’d like to bring your attention to the fact that in the above quote, the focus of the marriage is on its longevity and not the quality. Longevity is most certainly important in any relationship, yes. But it should not be the sole determinant of the success of a relationship.
Most of us understand this as youth today, but we ultimately crumble under the societal pressure of being “settled” as we grow older. Most people cannot imagine the possibility of being settled, also potentially meaning happily unmarried.
For any relationship to work, it takes a lot of effort. But what a lot of people miss when they advise against separation is that the effort should not be one-sided.
Most aunties and uncles would be so happy to tell you about couples who’ve basically made each other miserable but stayed together for the kids. Or of the remarkable women who put up with spouses no better than criminals to make the marriage work.
But that’s what they don’t get. The choice of other people to suffer in silence should not be exemplary. If those people chose to stay in such marriages of their own accord and not under any other kind of pressure, then that’s on them.
Their suffering doesn’t necessitate the suffering of everyone else, nor should it be used to define the norm.
And the unending arguments of “Log kya kahenge? Kaun karega shaadi tumse iske baad? Kaun khayal rakhega tumhara? Bacchhon ka to socho. Unpe kya beetege?”
Let me address all of these questions sequentially (some of my solutions may seem harsh, but I’m merely trying to be as pragmatic as I can be).
Seeking Validation
The first question has caused more problems than it has solved. Not to mention the real question should be, “Jo kuch bhi log kahenge, usse tumhe koi aitraz to nahi hoga na?” If the opinions of other people concern you and the approval of others is an integral part of your identity, then so be it.
But remember that after everything you do for the validation you seek from the aforementioned “log”, you only have yourself to blame even if you fail in that attempt.
Ideally, the most pragmatic approach would be to put your own opinion of yourself and your worth first, followed by that of those whose opinions really matter to you and, optionally, that of society and the world around you.
But this approach isn’t for everyone, so it’s okay if you do concern yourself with what people would say. Just know that they won’t necessarily be answerable for any pain you incur in the process of pleasing them.
Agar koi mujhse sirf iss liye shaadi nahi kar raha kyun ki main talaaq-shuda hoon, to behtar yahi hoga ki main aise insaan se shaadi na karoon (If a person doesn’t want to marry me because I’m a divorcee then I’m better off not marrying that person).
Being Independent
Another pragmatic life skill is learning to live independently. Not just financially, but truly independently, in all meanings of the term. You should be able to imagine living by yourself even when you’re old and grey.
Make sure you save up enough or have sources of passive income set up to be able to afford to be looked after (in-house nurses or old age homes) when you won’t be able to look after yourself. Make sure you have hobbies or friends or basically something to indulge yourself in beyond your family.
It is unreasonable to expect to be looked after as a given. It is even worse to bring children into the world with the sole expectation of being sustained. All that “budhape ka sahara” crap is too romanticised by Bollywood and is overrated, to be honest.
Do you really want to be looked at as a burden? Or do you want to have a life of your own even when you’re old and have people be truly delighted to see you when you make time to see them?
That being said, it is also okay to want to live with your family when you’re old. But make sure that that’s something your family would like too. If not, but they’re willing to accommodate you, ensure that you’re not imposing or overstepping any boundaries and are respectful of their personal space.
And you don’t necessarily have to live alone if you’re truly independent. It’s just a failsafe. A bare minimum. By all means, do go out once again looking for love, companionship, camaraderie, whatever makes you happy. Just know that not finding those things is also okay.
Children Of Divorce
Most of the pain felt by children of divorce can be lifted by family members themselves, immediate and extended (because it’s India, your papa ke third cousin ka dewar also counts as family and gets an opinion).
They need to be helped to understand that people can be happy even if they’re not together. Only through the behaviour of the separated parents can the children truly understand that separation was probably the best thing for the parents and, by extension, the family.
The remainder of the pain comes from the stigma that is persistent in society. This portion, yet again, can be mitigated by family members by educating the kids and people around you that separations don’t have to spell doom.
Assuring the kids that there’s nothing wrong with them, that it’s not their fault, is crucial because it is a common pattern among such kids to blame themselves.
It is okay and even encouraged to have a soft spot for such kids but don’t let pity show through your words or your actions. Your support is more beneficial to them than your feeling sorry for them and your expression of it. Sensitivity training should be a subject in school in a country like ours.
I hope this article was comprehensive enough to encourage people to remove the stigma associated with divorce, if not at large in society, at least on an individual level. So, to conclude: Divorced? It’s okay.