Trigger warning: suicidality, broken families, rape and sexual abuse
According to a UNICEF report, one in seven Indians between the ages of 15-24, faces depression.
The WHO says that, “Depression is a mental health disorder characterised by persistently persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities. The effects of depression can be long-lasting or recurrent and can dramatically affect a person’s ability to function and live a rewarding life.”
Common symptoms experienced by individuals are loss of interest, insomnia, appetite disorder, low concentration, suicidal thoughts, and many others.
However, people generally misinterpret it as the “state of being sad”. Being sad is a part of human nature, and it doesn’t mean that a sad person and a depressed person are the same.
If we narrow down our focus to the age group provided in the UNICEF report, we can conclude that depression is more prevalent among youngsters. This is an alarming issue. Despite the sincerity of this problem, it is often overlooked as a “Gen Z issue” and a “made up thing”.
Many folks consider it to be an excuse for running away from work and responsibilities, which was evident in the recent incident to do with Simone Biles, who was labeled as “incompetent” when she withdrew from the Olympics to prioritise her mental health.
Depression is not a result of one or two causes. There can be numerous roots to it. For instance, bullying, substance abuse, traumatic experiences, discrimination etc. Here, I would like to highlight the four universal causes of depression that I have experienced and witnessed around me.
What Do Dysfunctional Families Lead To?
How would you feel when you realise that you are facing depression because of your family—the very people who were responsible for creating an environment where you could feel safe, loved, and relaxed?
Since childhood, we are taught to respect elders as they are more experienced and mature than us. But, as Reuven Rivlin said: “All sides must learn to respect one another.” Shouldn’t parents respect their children, their choices, privacy, and opinions?
I have been brought up in a dysfunctional family. There are many instances where I felt like I owe my family everything (because they have given me all the things a person needs to live: food, clothes, house, sources of entertainment etc.).
I prioritised my family over my own happiness, needs and peace of mind. Growing up in a dysfunctional family isn’t easy. Many a times, you become suicidal, frightened, triggered, and are unable to express your emotions.
It is rather hard for people to gulp down the fact that all of us do not grow up in “model” families. And, as brown children, most of us have been brought up in a dysfunctional family, where we encountered physical, mental, and verbal abuse. We grew up normalising these behaviours.
However, many of us might be surprised to know that such an environment leads to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and other forms of mental disorders among children!
Trauma occurs not just due to the death of a dear one, physical violence or substance abuse, but also because of conditioned love, not being allowed to express and having to suffer in silence.
In a dysfunctional family, children grow up to become people-pleasers, excessively tolerant and tend to face an identity crisis.
At times, families can be more toxic than strangers. Emotionally coercing children by saying that they owe elders respect and obedience, no matter how abusive they could be, is a major aspect of dysfunctionality.
The irony here is that the parents disapprove of the concept of mental health issues, and consider that those who access therapy are “lunatics” and “crazy”.
You can’t speak what’s in your heart; you have suicidal thoughts; you can’t trust anyone; and you are not allowed to feel the things you are feeling. You feel stuck and suffocated at home.
This is the first major sign, that most of us, as children have faced mental health issues, and that we were neglecting it for ages. This is because we have normalised the use of violence, neglect and avoidance, at home.
If you also grew up in a dysfunctional family, it is crucial to recover from it so that our choices and decisions don’t adversely affect the upcoming generations. It is crucial to break the unspoken cycle of intergenerational trauma.
The first step towards doing so it is to acknowledge that, “Yes, the behaviours and environment I grew up with and in, were toxic. They shouldn’t be normalised and I wish to heal.”
Remember: unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional tolerance. You are allowed to move away from your family. You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to acknowledge your feelings and pain.
Intimidation At Work And Otherwise
Have you seen a husband yelling at his wife because she didn’t complete a task, or a boss constantly ridiculing a particular employee in front of their co-workers? Sounds common, doesn’t it?
We only realise the intensity of these situations when we come across people who have become the victims of “intimidation”.
Many of us found it normal in the first place because we have started accepting that physical harassment is abuse, but we neglect emotional, financial, and verbal abuse as the causes of depression.
Intimidation is also one of the universal causes of traumatic experiences for an individual. It can lead to chronic depression, anxiety, low self-worth, guilt trips etc. It affects a person’s independence in every way possible.
Often, in a marriage, it is not seen as something to be addressed. It is usually considered as “adjusting” that a wife has to get used to. Physical, mental and financial abuse, fear of one’s partner, defending their toxic behaviour, trying to make them happy at the cost of personal discomfort—are all red flags in a relationship.
Intimidating you, screaming in your face, throwing things, breaking objects, insulting you, cursing you, mimicking you, should not be counted as a part of aggression. This is a behavioural problem and it puts the other person’s life at risk, too.
The Impact Of Sexual Abuse
In our country, the rapists are punished based on how “well” they raped a woman (yes, I wrote well because death the penalty is only awarded in cases of aggravated harm. For the “normal” cases, it’s just imprisonment if the criminals are convicted).
In our country, if you search for “Ram Rahim” (a convicted rapist) on Google, he is shown to be “an Indian actor”. Ours is a country where patriarchy is prevalent and the survivor is blamed for getting assaulted. Hence, many suffer in silence. It’s not just physical pain, it is also dreadful to live a life of a survivor.
“Delhi: Woman ‘gang-raped’, paraded with garland of slippers in Shahdara”
This is a headline to do with a woman who was publicly ridiculed by other women. They forced her to walk on the streets after being sexually assaulted. How many of us can understand what the woman had to go through? Won’t these incidences threaten her for a lifetime?
After hearing about such cases, we feel insecure, threatened and unworthy. Walking on the roads, there is always a fear of being abducted and getting raped. It is one of the main reasons for PTSD in women.
Reliving the event, sometimes through nightmares or flashbacks; having negative thoughts and feelings that make daily life difficult; feeling jittery, nervous, or tense; having trouble expressing emotions and experiencing numbness; avoiding trauma reminders—are some of the issues faced by survivors, for a lifetime.
Loneliness And Low Self-esteem
As I hit puberty, there were many changes in my body including acne, hyperpigmentation, stretch marks due to weight gain, etc. I have a dark skin tone and I used to hate myself for my appearance. I am certain that many would relate to me. It’s not our fault that we have been made to appreciate a very limited form of beauty.
A fair, slim, clear-skinned, tall person, is modeled as desirable and worthy of appreciation by the media, our families, relatives and society. This leads to us feeling insecure in our skin. It is so deeply instilled in young minds that we grow up hating ourselves.
This happens particularly in the case of adolescents, who are at tender age of transition. They become so affected by the standards set up by society, that they face a great deal of stress regarding how to become socially-acceptable.
Eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia, are very much prevalent in teens. They also consume harmful substances like steroids and indulge in harmful surgeries, to gain importance from society.
Bullying is another common cause of depression amongst youngsters. Racial discrimination, ableism, fat-shaming, the rat race, are all part of bullying. The individuals being bullied, self-isolate themselves, face loneliness and depression, and fear to show up as themselves in front of the world.
Starting from primary school, children are coerced with the feelings of competition, envy, and are made to participate in the rat race.
For this purpose, their parents, teachers and the society at large, emotionally ridicule them, physically torture them and isolate them, by stopping them from playing and hanging out with their friends, taking away all other sources of entertainment such as their access to TV, smartphones, laptop etc.
We need to understand that everyone is unique! Think of a world where everyone is the same in terms of their looks, achievements and choices. Won’t the world become a boring place to live in?
We must understand that people should be judged for their actions and mentality, not for their success and appearance. These are very limited goals set up by the society and hinder human development.
Your Traumas And Mental Health Issues Are Valid!
The above examples are not the ONLY causes of mental health issues. There can be and are many more! With these examples, I tried to argue for how crucial it is to validate mental health in our society. It’s not just a Gen Z issue, it has already been there for decades. Gen Z has started vocally recognising it.
We have all heard things like: “Wake up early”, “Breathe”, “You are okay!”, “You are so rich, how can you be depressed?”, “Come on, it made you strong! Let go of the past”, “ Wow, man! You got a holiday for this? Nice excuse.”
Shouldn’t we stop saying such things? Words have the power to hurt or soothe someone, and if someone is facing an emotional crisis, it is important to be cautious of our tongues.
Sometimes, all we need is a little empathy to make this world a safer place for everyone. Everyone is fighting their own battles, and thus, we need to be kind to ourselves and others.
We need to validate the importance of our own and others’ feelings and traumas. We should not mock survivors as being weak, infirm or crumbling.