India is the home of the Kama Sutra, the most well-known text exploring eroticism and sexuality. Yet, Indian women aren’t encouraged to discuss their sexuality or utter the word “sex”.
Even though there are different avenues of learning about sex outside the family, the exposure is widely limited. We grow up believing that sex is for men, and women can only have it after marriage. We are unfortunate because we don’t have sex-positive role models on television who look like us and come from the same background.
Mindy Kaling’s new show, “The Sex Lives of College Girls,” aims to change that. The audience is introduced to Bela Malhotra, who is off to college. Through Bela’s dialogues, it is clear that she has reinvented her identity, shedding off the “Indian nerd” personality she grew up with. Her character portrayal is unabashed and blatant. She knows what she wants and isn’t ashamed to ask for it.
It is interesting how Indian women’s first exposure to sex occurs when they go to college. Most Indian girls adopt a new identity when they’re in college. They figure out how to utter the word sex, bond over funny period stories, explore their desires, and talk to their friends about what boys and what they’re going through. Bela’s character shows this arc. It is refreshing to finally see a woman of colour take control of her sexuality and be unapologetic about it.
A Sketchy Exposure To Sex Through The Television
This is exactly the kind of representation we lacked while growing up. Although the new generation of Bollywood movies is trying to encourage conversations about sex and sexuality through movies such as Shubh Mangal Savdhaan, Margarita With A Straw, Pink, Lipstick Under My Burkha, and more, they aren’t quite there yet. The message that they attempt to deliver often gets lost in translation.
Whereas Hollywood movies have made meaningful advances in displaying the equality of sexual desires. Sadly, they aren’t relevant to us. These movies are about the narratives of white women. We have nothing in common with these women, and their stories seem neither inspiring nor sympathetic. We were served the same manifestation of Rachel Greene(s), white girls from wealthy families chasing a “better” life, and none of us could resonate with it. This has made us detached from the vulnerability of sex.
The Indian Youth’s Trials With Sex and Sexuality
Growing up in an Indian household, sex was an impenetrable topic. Having middle-class, educated parents didn’t make things easier. Sex and the intricacies of the female body weren’t the kind of conversations we would have at the dinner table. And when I started my periods, my mother had to discreetly usher me into a room to teach me how to wear a pad.
The intriguing thing is, I was brought up in a cultured Bengali family and made to speak two languages. But, I don’t know the words for vagina, penis, menstruation, or masturbation in either of my native languages.
Most kids growing up in Indian families relate to these experiences. We have complicated relationships with our bodies and are made to feel embarrassed about it. Besides, pleasure isn’t a concept any of us are familiar with. The majority of Indian women have encountered similar circumstances. Natasha, a 20-year-old student from Kolkata, says,
“Growing up in an Indian household, sex and sexuality were among the few topics brushed under the carpet. I’ve always felt that I was being looked at with raised eyebrows and peering eyes when I tried to bring up the topic of my sexuality. It’s as if it were unnatural and unnecessary to recognize fundamental human truths that make up every fibre of our being.”
She continues about the shame associated with sex; she says, “The ignominy of discussing sex is even more blatant, lest we forget that India remains the country with the third-highest porn viewership in the world. Are our families truly protecting us from being ‘tainted’, or are they protecting themselves from the noose of accountability?”
Ananya, a PhD scholar, recollects,
“Discussions on sex or sexuality has never really been a part of the conversations as such as much as I can recall. But I remember during a wedding ceremony in my family, the female relatives were engaged in talks using code languages to laugh and discuss sex. Since I wasn’t aware of those, I couldn’t make sense of it, but it was clear it concerned sex/sexuality. Being young, I wasn’t made part of the conversation. It is quite evident that even though sexuality is not a topic of discussion as openly as we would think, but it is not completely absent either.”
In Indian society, conversations about sex are usually held in private, and there’s a sense of hush-hush surrounding it. Teenagers aren’t empowered to talk about their changing bodies or explore the topic of sex. Real-life stories of coming out to Indian parents are strikingly different from what we’ve heard. Bringing up the topic of homosexuality in front of parents and Indian relatives is vain. Not only do they fail to accept it, but they also don’t acknowledge it as real.
Tania, who recently came out to her parents as bisexual, says, “My parents do not have a very open mindset. It is really difficult for me to open up to them, as they might not receive and react to it positively.” These experiences of women are a window to the lives of Indian girls and how they have been taught to deal with sex.
Conclusion
Highlighting these discourses, it is evident that sex and sexuality do not bode well with Indian women. In the West, discovering one’s desires and sexuality is seen as a sign of progress and crucial for growing up. But, it’s tough for women like us who have been constantly subjected to shame and secrecy when it comes to our bodies. We live in a sexually repressed environment, are told to cover up, act in a way that doesn’t attract attention, be meek, and stay away from conversations about sex altogether.
For society to progress, women need to be supported to talk about their bodies. Further, such conversations should be treated as mediums suitable for the public eye.
Note: The author is part of the Dec ’21 batch of the Writer’s Training Program.