If you are reading this article, it means you have had a fight with someone you love. It could be a friend, it could be a lover, or even your pet… Who am I to judge? But, how does one resolve these fights?
Now, if you are like me, you are fuming and plotting potential homicide. However, you should also know that the chances of you getting away with it are minimal. So, here’s my handy guide to resolving fights without bloodshed or burning any bridges.
Step 1: VENT! But, not to the person you are mad at.
Punch a pillow. Tell a friend, after checking with them if they have the space to hear you out. Scream it into your blanket or on a hilltop. When we repress emotions, we tend to get stuck on the feelings, even when the cause fades.
So, let it out, but not by not ranting to the person you are mad at. By doing so, you are saving yourself from making hasty judgments or saying things out of anger.
Step 2: Take a deep breath and re-examine.
If at this stage, you are still feeling upset, go back to the previous step. Rinse and repeat till you are able to re-examine the situation that led to the fight. At this point, you’ll come to the conclusion that this was either:
- You are the one at fault… Yeah, I know, it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
- It is the other person’s fault.
Step 3: Think about these questions.
Did you or the person want to hurt each other?
Did anyone say things that were deliberately hurtful?
Was the fight just a result of a lot of pent-up frustration?
Step 4: Prepare yourself for a conversation.
This can be done either immediately or after a cool-off period (maybe a few hours or a few days, depending on your mental state and personal dynamic).
Once you are ready, reach out to them and tell them you want to talk. The idea here is not to attack each other. You cannot go in with feelings of hostility. If you feel hostile, return to the first step.
If it’s your fault then you need to issue an unconditional apology, first and foremost. Be patient and hear the other person out. Let them finish what they have to say without immediately jumping to your own defence.
I prefer having one-on-one conversations, but if you are nervous about doing it alone, you can have a mutual friend around. The said friend can call off the conversation if things start taking an ugly turn yet again.
Step 5: Go into the impact of the fight, not the intention or reason.
Lay out the reasons behind why YOU fought. It is not about what they did wrong, but about how they made you feel. If they are at fault, explain what affected you enough to take a stand.
For example, if you fought with your partner over them not spending enough time with you, explain why their absence affects you, instead of getting angry at them for not spending time with you. Merely parroting the reason, again and again, might not lead to anything.
Give them a chance to do the same, and try to gauge whether they have malicious intent in an impartial way. If you can’t be impartial, this is where having a third party might help.
Step 6: Assess your own reactions to the fight and to what’s being brought up in conversations.
Almost all of us are functioning on childhood triggers and defence mechanisms. So, lay down the arms, and see how you are naturally responding to the situation.
Are you really sure the way you are reacting is not coming from a place of trauma or past baggage? Journaling might help you assess this, try it.
Step 7: Decide on how you want to conclude the fight.
F̶i̶n̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶!̶ I mean, figure out what the next direction your relationship will take can look like. How can you both move ahead and fix things? What steps do both parties have to take?
Or, if things are heading towards a close, what would help both parties achieve closure?
I know that all this might sound over-simplified and that the nuances of any relationship are way more complex and unique, but these steps have helped me when I was feeling overwhelmed, and I hope it will help you too.
If you feel like your head is still muddled, then head to a therapist. Mental health issues don’t just come from deep-seated trauma, and you don’t need to wait till you have a crisis to seek it.
It’s not silly to talk to mental health practitioners about interpersonal issues, like a fight with a loved one or a friend.
Featured image, a still from the film Luge Raho Munna Bhai, is for representational purposes only. Photo credit: storypedia.com
Note: The author is part of the Sept-Nov ’21 batch of the Writer’s Training Program.