Trigger warning: graphic details of rape, gaslighting and emotional abuse
I was 16 years of age when I said yes to a 22-year-old boy. That relationship was supposed to be fun because he was old enough to enjoy many things that were unavailable for me at that age.
I never realised that saying yes to his wishes was making me available for his evil plans.
We discussed kissing before we did it. I wasn’t ready but he manipulated me and told me that this wasn’t a big thing, people do a lot more than this in relationships now. I should not react in an old fashioned way. We kissed. It wasn’t nice, I didn’t feel anything for him. I had kissed before so this wasn’t a big deal for me.
It was dark outside and we were in the car and that was the second time when he won over me. We were kissing on the back seat of the car and suddenly he touched the button of my jeans. I stopped him and I pushed him away. But as I pushed him, he got angry and he forcefully opened my jeans and fingered me. I was feeling shameful. When he was done, I asked him that I never wanted this to happen, so why did he do this? He said this will increase the connection between us. I never told this to my friends or anyone because I never wanted him to be the bad person in anyone’s eyes.
I’ve always been alone in my home because both of my parents were out there working their asses off to earn money. There was a ground rule in my house that I should never let anyone in my house when I’m alone but I did the worst mistake of my life, I broke the rule. He knew that my parents remain outside mostly and he forced me to invite him over. I agreed. We use to make out in my house but one day, he came at my place with a pack of condom.
I freaked out, I denied it and said that I could not do this. I told him that I was just 16. I didn’t think it was the right thing to do and he accepted it.
After a few minutes, he started to kiss me and he pushed me on the bed and started to take my pants off. I screamed saying I didn’t want to do this but he didn’t stop. I sat there motionless. I couldn’t utter a word, I couldn’t move an inch. As he was going in me, my tears were coming out. But again, I collected my strength and in a cracked voice I said please don’t do this, I’m begging you. But he continued. There was blood all over my bed sheet and tears all over my pillow. I was still crying and he hugged me. I wanted to stab him with a knife. I pushed him away and he said that I would soon start to like it.
Now I’m 21 and this still haunts me. I’ve been in a physical relationship after him but still, I haven’t been able to get over it. The nights are the hardest to survive because I cannot sleep peacefully, the nightmares haunt me.
I don’t have the guts to talk about this openly. I want to tell my friends about it but they will feel sad and I don’t think they will be able to hear me. They are not strong enough but I wanted to say this somewhere. That’s why I chose to write it here.