I read it somewhere when I was in 12th standard, ‘Slut-Shaming attacks a women’s right to say yes; friendzone attacks a women’s right to say no and ‘bitch’ attacks hers right to call you out on it”.
I had my first experience with slut-shaming when I was in 9th standard. Growing up in an all-girls- convent school, I wish I knew better. The talks revolved from how bloated a girl looks to how ‘slutty’ she is based on superficial aspects without even knowing someone personally. This is not to say that slut-shaming is okay if you know a person. It is never okay.
Someone’s sexual history is their own. Their body is their own and whatever they decide to do with it their own. Since when did we go around having autonomy on others’ right to say ‘yes’?
Why does a word like ‘slut’ even exist, and even if it does, why is it looked down upon instead of being glorified because sexual liberation is also a major aspect of feminism?
I Was 15 Years Of Age And The Word ‘Slut’ Turned My Whole Life Upside Down
Back in 9th standard, I don’t think anyone of us knew what feminism actually meant. I mean we heard the f-word more than we heard about feminism – which really outlines an issue that needs to be conversed about. To be fair, I don’t think anyone knew the meaning of the word ‘slut’ either but in our society, it meant that if you’re hanging out with a few boys – you are desperate and definitely are one.
As a 15-year-old girl, this one word turned my whole life upside down to the point that it dictated how I behaved and made some terrible decisions due to it. My best friend at the time told me that the popular girls do not want me to be a part of their group since ‘I have too many guy friends’ and people think of me as a slut and how it might impact their reputation.
For two years I lived a mentally exhausted life because this is not something I could talk to at home – my parents were always pretty liberal and have been warned about it. The young me felt like if I told them about it they would have to re-think how they brought me up and failed. After noticing a change in my behaviour – not wanting to go to school with my attendance hardly being 20% in 9th and 10th combined to a dip in my grades which used to be 75-80% to coming down as low as 45% were the warning signs my mom took notice of.
Initially, they, thought that it was just my fear of maths but after realising I did not even wish to attend my English and History class too, she got really worried and that’s when I went to therapy. It is during therapy that I was able to get past the trauma. I did work my way through it and came out stronger. However, something inside me did change.
In 11th standard, I changed my school and this to date is the best thing that happened to me. Coming to a co-ed, I was always conscious about not making any guy friends or even talking to them because there was always this fear inside of me that what if I get tagged slut again? 2 years of co-ed schooling and I hardly made any guy friends.
However, I did find a bunch of amazing women that I love and who helped me, the new girl, settling in, which they might not even know. My 11th standard also happened to be the year where I went into a relationship with an amazing human however soon things fell apart because a mutual told him about my ‘slutty’ behaviour and post that I could never get myself to look at him the same way.
This is not to say that I was ‘right’ one in the relationship. I made a few mistakes too, pretty big ones at that, but not for one moment I ever thought of disrespecting this person – the same he did to me so blatantly as if the whole relationship meant nothing to him.
Slut-Shaming, Society’s Hypocrisy And Internalised Misogyny
Slut-shaming is not something women from urban population deal, this stands true for women in every safe space. May it be influencers on Instagram, models, domestic help and women at corporate workspaces.
A popular notion is that women who are often able to cross the glass ceiling in corporate are able to do so because they are women and not because they are highly professional and capable. It is also present in the form of cyberbullying. There is no exclusive stigmatisation with regards to slut-shaming. However, all these experiences have something in common and that is women’s bodies from the kind of clothes they wear to the kind of makeup they wear have been sexualised and the derogatory treatment has let to obnoxious policing.
I wanted to know why people slut-shamed women who owned their sexuality? Interestingly, I found an article which stated that the moment a woman sidelines the norms of society she becomes vulnerable to the slut stigma in my case which happened to be having too many guy friends.
The problems, however, boils down to the double standards of our society which allows men to be promiscuous because men should always want sex and women should always suppress their sexuality. Slut-shaming doesn’t have a single-method but shows up in day to day criminal activities like street harassment or eve-teasing and catcalling- it reinforces the idea that a women’s body is only meant to be objectified and thus further sexualising little girls.
The question that arises at this point is, why do women slut-shame each other? A study conducted by psychologists in Midwestern University highlighted that more often than not, women slut-shame other women because of internalised misogyny. For women from ‘higher-class and economically advantaged’ section of the society, it had little to do with sexual encounters but rather a term they used frequently for someone who was different from them or they did not like.
The impact of slut-shaming on young, impressionable girls leads to depression, anxiety and body-image issues- girls in Indian society hardly have access to mental health resources which makes it even worse.
On Fat-shaming, Capitalism And Bollywood’s Propagation Of ‘Fat-Phobia’
When I first started writing this article, I was tracing the roots to my experience and the impact this particular form of bullying had on me – along with anxiety and depression it did give me some body-image issues too. While collecting my thoughts for this article I realised it was during this time that I started finding solace in ‘comfort’ food. The consequences at the time were something I did not know of but I started gaining weight too, and very quickly at that.
Even though I was growing in size, I was comfortable with who I was and luckily had some friends who never shamed me for it. It took me a long time (almost 9 years) to come to terms with living my body without letting anybody make me feel like it wasn’t a safe space and I am not supposed to look this way.
Once I became comfortable discussing this topic with my girlfriends, I found out we all were in the same boat, even those girls whose bodies I was jealous of. A friend was constantly made to feel insecure due to her being skinny and another mentioned being termed ‘slutty’ for developing a bit early than she used to. ‘
People have conveniently taken charge of women’s bodies for years by defining it in term of highly idealised and commercialised, almost impossible to achieve a body (VS Models) that they been have socialising with.
My idea of a perfect body was always shaped through the media I consumed – the outdated notions of the beauty industry which told me to have a long-lasting relationship or a perfectly successful career I need to look a certain way or my life is doomed. The power of the images promoted by media is hard to resist without crying about the body you have and the pursuit is not only emotionally damaging but physically as well.
It would be much easier to practice body positivity if society didn’t dictate the ideals to be tied to our sense of well being. A lot of of this generic ‘Fat-phobia’ can be attributed to Bollywood too. Who doesn’t remember Sweetu being constantly ridiculed for her weight in Kal Ho Na Ho? Or the way Nawaazuddin Siddiqui jumps after seeing his ‘overweight’ wife in GhoomKetu? Bollywood has often used overweight characters for comical relief, however, with movies like Dum Laga Ke Haisa and Fanney Khan, we’re doing away with stereotypes and hitting back at society’s notion of beauty.
I remember being made conscious of my weight to the point that I internalised ‘well-meaning’ comments and made a joke about it before anyone else could. I used the defence mechanism to prevent others from claiming my body for their ‘comic relief.’
The fact that I’d be able to score the hottest guy only if I were to work a bit more on how I look is the kind of unsolicited advice I started getting from people who barely talked to me. In a narrative about fat-shaming, it is also important to highlight the casual shaming of skinny women who are constantly asked to gain ‘a bit curves here and there’ to look like a goddess – an image they’re constantly asked to match up to.
The ease with which people define parts of women’s bodies for us to later feel ashamed for and the audacity to neglect our mental space needs to be pondered upon. In no way am I saying that men aren’t ridiculed or held up to ‘almost impossible to match’ standard, but what is more common is women never having the option to own their own body or even be comfortable in it. The dynamics of shaming in a highly capitalistic society has made women insecure just to make a million bucks out of there insecurities.