TW: Depression, Social Anxiety, Suicide
As I sat in front of my psychologist, I thought, how did I reach here? I had a good and busy life; always got good grades, had many friends, got to travel a lot, etc. But now, I have scheduled an appointment with her without informing my parents. I am having suicidal thoughts, showing behaviour of self-harm, have isolated myself from everyone, and I have many questions. I hoped she can help.
This was in 2017 when I stopped my internship and left my friends group; I have had enough. Every day, it felt like I was about to have a nervous breakdown anytime now. I tried to divert myself from everything. I started learning to code, play guitar, singing, all at different time intervals but couldn’t maintain my interest in anything. There was something wrong. I could sense it but couldn’t put words to it, not yet.
Slowly, I started feeling heavy and sad. I started isolating myself at home too (I live with my parents and brother). On one occasion, I sat in my room and cried silently, the heaviness was too much for me. I started having suicidal thoughts too. At this time, I was continuing my coachings on and off. The people around me knew me; my family, everyone, must surely have noticed a change in me, but no one said anything (except one time when a friend said, it seems like you are doing drugs. I laughed it off.) It’s amazing how we, Indians, push things under the carpet as if nothing has happened.
The heaviness kept on increasing; the thoughts came more frequently. I was not able to understand a single word the tutors taught. I couldn’t stay in that environment any longer. I was feeling so alone; I was alone. But I found my solace in books. And I started reading, I read, and I read. I bunked every class after that and went to the library to read books. Sometimes, I listened to podcasts. Then, the exams came near.
(TW) By this time, I had lost all interest in life. I used to spend the minimum time required to sit for exams, and then leave. But I couldn’t go home so soon, so I roamed around. I got very disappointed with myself and what I was doing. After the last paper, I drove by the bridge and thought maybe I should jump. I didn’t stop and went home. Though I was still searching for ways to end it all, I never really got the courage. I am happy I didn’t. I knew I needed help. And that brought me here, in front of her (my psychologist).
I discussed it all with her, and they diagnosed me with Generalised Anxiety Disorder co-morbid Social Anxiety with moderate Depression. It was a relief to finally have answers to why I am the way I am. It also explained why I am never comfortable around people, why making career choices has been, and still seems, impossible. But the fight didn’t get any easy.
To give you context, my psychiatrist was not so good. And to keep the meds at their lowest dose, I downplayed my symptoms, well, because anxiety *shrugs*. I tried yoga and stopped my meds; it’s a reputable organization and they teach kriyas mostly. But after doing their 5 programs and doing kriya for 1.5 years every day (I am very committed), it dawned upon me that these were doing me harm instead.
I tried a different field (totally apart from my career path) in 2019, and I was good in the beginning, but I got unstable and lost my job; and I was back on page one. At first, the kriyas felt good, but around 6 months back, I started feeling extremely insecure and unstable. And this realization came to me during this lockdown.
This lockdown has been a boon for me really. I finally got to do nothing without fear of any judgment from anyone. I am the kind of person who, if I am home during working hours, will think about what people will think of me: ‘He hasn’t got any work to do’ (this comes as part of the package called social anxiety). Somehow, this mattered to me.
I never really stayed still in life, even when I was depressed! But now I took the time to reflect and focus only on myself. Eventually, I decided to get help again. I met a good psychiatrist this month (June 2020). In 10 minutes, he made me so comfortable, understood my condition, explained to me the meds he was putting me on, their potential side-effects, and everything. He seemed trustworthy to me. For the first time, I took medicine without looking them up them and reading all about them. I am a lot stable right now, and I am keen to finish the treatment and get better.
I am 23. As of now, I still don’t know what I want to pursue. I have very diverse interests—from print journalism to graphic design to music, but I also have my CA finals this year. So yeah, I am really messed up. I have friends, but no good friendships. I am very impulsive. My family opposes me a lot; I find it quite funny sometimes. Once, I bought a 10k guitar out of my savings; there was a big scene at home. Call me a rebel, or call me a fool; society can’t distinguish between the two anyway, but I am definitely a fighter.
And that’s how I fought, am still fighting, and will keep on fighting social anxiety and depression. I can be anyone, I can be you, I can be someone sitting next to you, I can be your brother or sister. We never know what someone is going through, but we are all in this together. It does feel alone, I wish so much that I had someone, at least one person who can help me with my battle, but wishing and getting are two different things.
Find solace, seek help! Seeking help is important. Thanks for reading.