Women are treated differently, from an employer’s preference to the meticulous use of certain languages or words in conversations, which necessarily do not have premediated intentions but nonetheless create a perception that women are weaker beings as compared to men. There are certain ‘gendered words’ that come automatically and effortlessly while describing or introducing a woman at the workplace such as ‘sweet’ instead of ‘pleasant’, ‘caring’ instead of ‘inclusive’ or ‘sensible’. Even in binomials, we see male versions/terms come first- Mr and Mrs, husband and wife, boys and girls. So one may ask what has it to do with gender equality?
Well, in short, these are just micro reflections of ground reality -subtly. In other words, these are not the real issues but a representation or reflection of the real issues. Patriarchy has normalised misogynistic behaviour towards socially constructed ‘genders’. I want to address some of what I think are the subtle and not so subtle forms of conscious and unconscious prejudices against women. These behaviours are what I consider ‘the projection of patriarchal misogyny’ against women.
- A Job That Suits Her: If you are unemployed and searching for a job, most probably you will get suggestions from your relatives like school teachers, home tutors, receptionists, personal assistants etc. Not that these jobs are inferior to other kinds of job but such comments do put women’s capability under question especially when you are well qualified for jobs that are deemed men appropriate. A friend said I take that very personally and as an insult to my capabilities. It’s kind of like they unconsciously think I am only capable of that or they unconsciously suggest these are the jobs women usually work in. Usually it’s the latter.
- A Man or Her Career: Few women are lucky enough to continue their career after marriage. Often she has to choose between her marriage or career because her extended family wants a full time housewife. Man almost never has to give up on his job or career because of marriage. The same household work if a man does once in a blue moon is applauded for being ‘considerate’ and ‘caring’ whereas for her she is just doing her job. Often, while choosing a daughter in law or a wife, the basic requirement is that she knows how to cook good food and do household chores.
In most of the conservative families, this is one of the reasons why women’s education is not given priority. Rather they invest in her dowry than spend on her education. Regardless of her educational qualification, the family has to spend on her dowry anyway so why spend so much on something that has no social validity? But this seems more prevalent in lower and poor class. The rich can afford and are well educated but the practice of dowry still pervades. It is a source of sustaining the patriarchy and class structure- a modern form of caste institution.
A friend of mine said her sister is going to be a full time housewife of a guy who is not even to her liking. When asked why she has to get married, she replied
“Because there are three of us who are all women. My mother is anxious because our relatives and society are already after my parents to get us married. It will be a shame on our family if any of us remain a spinster”. She, my friend’s sister, is a doctorate holder. Society has no logic.
- “Just A Woman”– In one of my conversations with my sister, she pointed out her disappointment at the unapologetic response from most people in our society. A response that has whatsoever no regard for the sentiment of the person at the receiving end. In our family, women contribute more than men. More women are educated and hardly any men are. Our contributions are hardly acknowledged. If at all acknowledged, the words “but she’s just a woman” are used simultaneously with a full stop.
It is not fair to put so much social and familial expectations on men. However, such expectations on men does not justify the treatment of women as lesser to men. I would not be able to swallow my own saliva if I was to be put in her position. She has supported the entire family for more than 15 years with her job. But the fact that a woman can do better than some men is still unacceptable to many. All the efforts and contributions are diluted just because she is a woman and not a man.
- Unrealistic expectations – I would put it as ‘unrealistic expectations’ if I am expected to maintain certain beauty standards or behaviours as “other girls”. Some girls like to maintain themselves, some don’t. The association of women’s bodies with self esteem and honor is absurd. For instance, the association of women’s hair with her identity or womanhood. If you happen to wear a shorter hairstyle, these questions and comments are on the line— What happened? Are you alright?.
My friend’s sister got herself a bangs haircut after which she said to me, ” He (her father) didn’t say anything. After staring at me for a while he uttered these words ‘respect yourself‘ “. If a woman like to have a boy’s haircut or shave her head, does it mean she has no respect for her body? When I told my father that I had shaved my hair he said “Don’t come home with it. How would you go out? You will scare the people”. My mother even asked me if I was crazy. She asked why I am so unhappy with my life. I know it’s unusual but the reactions were unexpected.
The pattern is the same in terms of judging gendered behaviours. Some are understandable because it is coming from a certain gender, not weighing on the goodness or vices of the behaviour. It is not womanly to indulge in drinking or smoking while in some families the father serves pegs (Indian term for shots, because only we use it to order drinks!) to son or vice versa. If I have to tell someone back at home that I smoke I have to think twice before sharing lest they associate me with a lapse in moral character or as “useless” said a friend when asked if any of her parents know about her smoking habit.
- A Cultured Woman: Have you ever noticed how every blame goes to women in the end? Such as if the kids are outspoken or unconventional, the fingers are on the mother- Your mother did not teach you anything? We often come across in literature how women are and should be a carrier of culture and tradition- Why just women and not men as well? In one of my arguments with someone, the person expressed “I think all women should obey the law” to which I asked “And who makes the law?”. Yet the majority of the crimes committed are by men and many of them are against women. In one of the articles in a book which was supposedly for the ‘upliftment and empowerment of women’, the author talks of how rape and sexual harassment are due to pornography and women wearing exposed clothes. It almost reduces men’s actions as a mere reaction to women’s physical appearances. When will men ever be made accountable for their actions? How is restriction ever an empowerment? Rather than questioning such mentalities and behaviour, women are blamed for their own misfortune. Sad to say but such is our social mentality- the culture of stigmatising the victim.
- An “Assertive Woman” is an Angry Feminist: Can we all agree to an assertive woman being perceived as a ball of rebellious female ready to burst at any given situation which doesn’t suit her liking, and without much value to her femininity?
Do you ever notice the disappointed ‘ohs!’ and change in the tone of their voice when you say you are a feminist? She is seen as though she wants to differ at every possible chance. Her assertion is very often associated with her being rebellious rather than recognising and acknowledging the source -suppression and assertion are like the opposite sides of the same coin. History has time and again proven so.
This often reflects at the workplace. There was this one instance with a research fellow I was assisting by collecting primary sources through phone interviews. I said I wanted to include women interviewee because people have an assumption that women do not know our tradition and history. His instant response was “Vili, don’t make it a gender issue”. He went on to clarify that due to a shortage of time, it is best to collect the information at the earliest from any available source. Nevertheless, his initial reaction reflects the general perspective of gender issues, the failure to see inequalities through the gender lens or a simple denial to acknowledge the issue. I took it more as though I have provoked an irritation in him, which is a case with many people. Anything to do with gender or gender issues tend to annoy people.
These instances are so normalised that many don’t consider it worthwhile to discuss when we have other “real issues” like unemployment, starving population, illiteracy, failed healthcare system, Corona virus, world wars, etc (ha ha, I know). This is our patriarchal mentality— not so important, trivial disagreements which can be just brushed off. Move on. A patriarchal misogyny many have to live with, the very mentality that fails to acknowledge gender biasness as an issue . Unless we reflect on our actions which are products of social mentality, our society will always normalise misogynistic behaviour towards women.