A few days ago, the contents of a lewd Instagram group chat run by teenage Delhi boys were spilled. Titled “BoisLockerRoom”, the chat was a scroll of morphed images of mostly underage girls, and the boys would body shame, slut shame them and get a kick out of who would be easier to rape. This virtual explosion has also led to many poking the bubbles around them. Could this really be my kid? Are 16-year-olds not being taught well enough? Is social media not safe for teenagers?
This news has also resumed conversations about India’s rape culture, how ‘boys will be boys’ won’t cut it this time, how we need to educate our sons, how schools need to talk about sex, how boys and men need to respect women and the likes. While India is often known to be the hotbed of a patriarchal culture, and these conversations are always in the undercurrent but there are certain topics like the ones above which can be heard louder than usual when a disturbing incident comes to light.
We are talking or whispering about it now. We might even have the “talk” with our sons or brothers or fathers or boyfriends about respecting girls and women. In a few days, it will simmer, and slowly evaporate. What’s the problem with that? Respect is not a time-bound virtue. It is also not a gender-bound ask.
Isn’t it odd that we must tell the males in our families or on social media to #RespectWomen? Isn’t that disrespectful in the first place? Never in my life was I told to respect men, but I don’t find myself in a virtual or real-life chat, degrading men or women or their bodies. The only cohort you’re asked to respect as an Indian growing up are elders. For everyone else, it is just hoped that you’ll retain something from the Moral Science class, or out of sheer humanity, respect all other humans. But here we are sitting boys down to teach them about respect.
It makes me think about a central idea in Mark Manson’s book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”: The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”So, if we, as women, are constantly chasing respect from others, isn’t that disrespecting ourselves in the first place? And that’s bound to make us feel awful.
It might sound idealistic but as an adult, have you ever felt nice about asking anyone for anything? Money, time, attention, etc.? Then why would any of us feel good about asking for respect? The sadder part is only half of us have to ask for it, and that too from that other half whose members have once again done something demeaning and potentially scarring.
The point is, this is another incident, and albeit it’s more jarring than the usual hearsay about harassment against women because these students are the so-called future of our nation, asking them to respect females will not solve for anything. If anyone were to do that, you’d really have to be rudimentary and explain to them what it really means to respect a female and her body. So, unless you, as a parent or as a woman or a girl is really spelling it out for these young boys, they are not retaining anything.
In their heads, they will still picture respecting a woman as respecting their mothers and aunties and older sisters. They will never fathom the idea of respecting a girl their age or younger than them by treating them as equals. They will never know that to respect someone means to not vilify them or their bodies. They will never think that banter behind the iPhone screen about which girl has a better rack can count as disrespect. They will never see their fantasies to commit rape as disrespect because after all it is only in their heads or tucked away in an Insta chat. And boys, who even at only 15 or 16, need such a bare-bones explanation, are far beyond comprehending what respect could mean.
So, here’s what you can do: if you’re a parent or a parent-like figure, first correct your behavior and then break it down for your children early on, regardless of how uncomfortable it might make you. If you’re a parent whose kid is engaging in such behavior, do not support it or them directly or through any of your actions at home now or later. If you’re anyone else, save your energies for instilling self-respect in yourselves rather than having to ask anyone for it, ever.