O Womaniya, We Need To Talk About Patriarchy

Does the title of this post ring some bell? If yes, I am glad. Do read it. If not, I am going to tell you about it, so please do read it. 🙂

This is the period of COVID-19, the era of lockdown; the virus has taken over and we all must stay home. Then do what? You have the privilege to choose, maybe? Yes, so I binge watch a lot. Recently watched a lot of series, tried to read (actually read and finished reading some good books), and kept myself updated on current affairs. Some trends that I noticed have been my pain points (don’t know since when) about how a woman’s respect, identity, choices, values she should hold, jobs she should get, places she should go to, and whatnot are wholly and solely decided by this society, and if not decided, then judged, for sure.

I would quote some scenes from web series and real-life here not to question, but to throw some light on how the patterns has been quite similar, be it any part of the world:

1. The husband decides to leave the wife; she begs, tells him she would be better from next time at doing xyz things. He is adamant and doesn’t consider about her pleading. After several minutes, he confesses he is having an affair with his secretary. She shares this with her parents, and they break down. The mother asks the first question, “What did you do, why were you not focused?” Later in the scene, the father tells her, “Go, fix your face, put on a beautiful dress and get him back. You have to, because you can’t be a single mother and separation is not an option.” The girl responds, she wouldn’t force him if he doesn’t want to be with her. This is simple, right? And if I switch the roles, would the same conversation happen? (Series: The Marvelous Mrs Maisel).
2. As a girl, how often have you heard your parents saying, do whatever you want to post your marriage (ab jo karna ho, shadi ke baad karna). Really? Why so? Umm, because they are your parents, they must be right. But would they tell the same thing to their sons? Maybe, maybe not.
3. Have you heard your friends teasing and calling each other ‘girly’ or showing some ‘girlish’ behaviour? What does this mean, is it to be taken as an insult or a compliment? I recently heard a group of boys talking about their other guy friend and calling him a ‘girl’. I am quite sure that wasn’t something they did to praise him. In my opinion, that was done to portray him a weaker being. Also, I have never come across a time when a person is given such compliments, have you?
4. My husband and I do all household chores, sometimes together, sometimes taking turns, depending on our moods and availability. I often get to know from people that I am a lucky person, and trust me, I know I am lucky. But I wonder, do men also get such remarks when their wives share their responsibilities? I wonder!
5.  Series like Made In Heaven, Sex Education, Guilty, Grey’s Anatomy (some must-watch shows), etc. try to address a few concerns like the dowry system, assault, its repercussions, objectification of women (which is so common in movies and item numbers), catcalling, slut-shaming, insulting the entire profession and communities (recent e.g. of Sonia Gandhi) and whatnot. These are quite common now as part of our everyday conversation. When a guy has n number of girlfriends, he’s a ‘stud’, but for a girl the name would be ‘whore’/’slut’.

I would not even touch the number of rape cases in India, irrespective of gender, or the trauma that a victim goes through, or how the victim is held responsible if they are out of the house, or walking in silence, or are drunk and get assaulted. Maybe next time, ask your violent relative (whoever shows the sign of being a potential rapist) to stay home at night?

What I wanted to talk about is the fact that irrespective of class, standard, religion, region, caste, etc., women are still labelled, told what their dos and don’ts are, and if they rebel, they are again labelled. That hurts, right? Our entire life, we (girls) are told to live a certain way or to do certain things, to please others, to keep the in-laws happy (the list is endless, you know!) The identity of women is defined and decided by the male member, and that’s just a small aspect of patriarchy. What would it take for parents to teach their sons the same?

I don’t have the answers, neither did I try to provide any. All I have is a whole lot of questions. To begin with, when can we begin a dialogue, a discussion or even an open conversation about this. Exactly when?