I have grown up in a society which always lays emphasis on the community and never on the individual, so much so that taking care of one’s own self was not only looked down upon but also shunned. This system conditions you to think that helping others is the most noble thing you can do in your life, and that if you don’t feel like it, you’re some kind of a selfish freak. It’s a system where keeping yourself first comes with the repercussion of getting labelled “selfish”—society will rush to give you a really bad character certificate.
So, I grew up thinking if I don’t help others and put their needs and wishes before mine, I would probably end up with no one around me. The media didn’t help either. Every movie I saw, every story I heard—they were all about a protagonist who saves everybody (almost always at their own expense) while the antagonist is the one who keeps their desires above everybody else’s.
The families I grew up around were much the same. There was a clear division. Any person who would take care of everybody “selflessly” was the most loved and anybody who followed their own path were deemed “selfish”.
In such an environment I felt (albeit subconsciously) that if I weren’t that selfless and helping there was something really wrong with me and that I would never belong. From a very young age, I had this fear of being left behind and shunned if I ever refused to do something for others.
I never said “No” to anybody, even if it came at my own expense. Every time I got irritated and thought of complaining, I would immediately chide myself. The result was I internalized this entire concept of helping everybody at all times.
My relatives and family kept reinforcing this by praising me for always helping out, no matter how busy I was. Until, I got messed up between helping others and pestering them by offering my help. I had internalized this so much that I had no clue what I was doing.
Not only had this drained me, it was also becoming an inconvenience to so many people I loved and cherished. Part of the problem was that I had no idea what I was doing. It was only much later that I learnt the way I was treating myself and others around me had a name—Saviour Complex.
By definition, the Saviour Complex (also known as the Christ or Messiah Complex) is a state of mind in which an individual holds the belief that they are responsible for saving or assisting others. It doesn’t sound much like a problem at first, but the long term effects are quite tragic and lead to a whole lot of other mental health issues.
It took a lot of time to acknowledge that I was going through it, and it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t gone to my first workshop by Unsound Project. Being there, with so many other folks, and talking about our mental health challenges helped so much. I am really glad that I went to that workshop—it turned my life around. I have gained so many people who are always there to guide me and helped me to keep my “Saviour Complex ” in check.
Every workshop pushed me more towards not only introspection but also the ability to acknowledge how I thought wasn’t the right way to do things. It emboldened me to reach out for help and admit that I needed to carefully examine my decisions and to not let this behavioral pattern take charge.
A Saviour Complex causes so many problems, for example this subconscious state of constant disappointment and irritability because you aren’t getting enough in return in accordance to how much you’re giving. The disappointment creates this state of ideological and emotional conflict. It is an act of constantly gaslighting yourself due to internalizing years of conditioning which leads to conflict with our personal aspirations.
I am glad that I finally have a word for what I was going through, and have the opportunity to keep unlearning all these internalized societal norms. Life is a lot more peaceful now. The Saviour Complex hasn’t gone away completely, but now I can always check my trail of thoughts and distinguish between the reasonable and unreasonable ones.I finally feel like I am content with the way things are. It is utterly important to understand one’s biases, conflicts, and issues before flabbergasting anybody else going through their own problems. Reaching out to affirmative professionals for mental health is the key, rather than just being in our own bubbles.