Mitron!
Since you’ve been complaining about a rise in unemployment that wasn’t seen in the last 45 years, yours truly has come up with a solution that’ll bring back the ‘achche din,’ not that they were lost in the first place.
This is truly a one of a kind opportunity that takes its inspiration from the gods, goddesses and other ancient and mythical creatures who were the first of their kind and the adarsh (ideal) prototype. After setting up several meetings with these prototypes despite my tight schedule, we came up with just the perfect name for this holy designation.
You’ll be called Bhakt, just like the Bhakti movement, but with less liberal rules and stringent decisions and responsibilities on your shoulders.
Before going into the job details, let us be clear with the prerequisites. To be eligible to be called a Bhakt, you will have to fulfill these criteria:
1. Are you a Hindu? Because brownie points for being a proud Hindu!
2. Can you lie? Fabricating juicy stories is a skill much required.
3. Are you hot-blooded? We need angry young Indians who have a high amount of ‘josh’ (vigour) in their blood.
4. Can you exhibit hatred? A lot of hatred? For other human beings, religions, communities?
5. Do you have a knack for social media? Can you spend at least eight to ten hours on Facebook and other social media sites to spread fake messages and promotional videos in bulk?
6. Are you handy with Photoshop? Knowing how to tailor photos is a must-required skill!
7. Have you read the ancient historical texts? If not, can you make up bizarre but attractive attention-gaining material out of them?
8. Are you familiar with the long list of terms like – secularism, liberalism, feminism, socialism, capitalism, jingoism, nationalism, anti-nationalism and lest we forget, patriotism? You need to be up-to-date and efficient with these terms. You will be required to use them once every three sentences.
Now that we’ve clearly established the requirements, let us move forward with the type of person you should be.
1. Maintain a truly patriotic profile on all social media accounts. Add colours like saffron to everything you do. Add the national flag in the caption of your every photo. Set the ringtone of your phone to the national anthem. There is no better way to prove your love for the nation.
2. Cows are sacred! Beef should be banned! No one should consume beef, especially if you are a Muslim. Though, it’ll be okay if you eat it, once in a while. Just keep it under the covers.
3. Brush up on your vocabulary. You’re fighting for the nation and your fight is on social media. Hence, it’s essential you familiarize yourself with words like pseudo-secular, pseudo-liberal, Naxal, Communist, etc. which will be your weapons while fighting.
4. Love your country! Criticise all other nations. Its okay though, if you prefer to live there. But, the illusion of a perfect nation must be maintained!
5. Girls who want to be Bhakts should never engage in ‘lowly’ activities or activities behind their apparent dignity like dating, going to pubs, drinking, smoking, etc. because it doesn’t suit the perfect image of women in India who resemble goddesses. Boys can do that because it is a part of their persona.
6. You should support Hindi and Sanskrit as languages and denounce English. But it’s fine if you prefer English-medium schools for your children. It will not be called hypocritical at all, I promise.
7. All those who dislike the BJP should go to Pakistan because that makes them anti-nationalist. Period.
8. There should be only one logic and that is no logic! We hate logic and rationality. Reason escapes us.
9. These are all leftist ideas that are funded by international conspirators. And that is the truth.
10. Feel free to bash anyone verbally as and when required. You should always stand up for what you believe and your trust in your leader should be blind.
11. You should also be fluent in a lot of swear words. Things like “maa ki,” “behen ki,” etc. should be on the tip of your tongues and you should use them on social media. But just make sure that your sister and mother are safe.
Now that you’ve learnt everything required, you may as well apply for this position through the link on our official page. This is not only a well-paid job but a well-respected one. You’ll be working for the country and promoting nationalism. Your work will be of great service to the nation. It’s high time that we remove the anti-national elements from our society and work towards an ancient and prosperous India.
Join us in this mission, promote the cause of awakening the nationalism in the citizens of this country!
Featured image for representative purpose only.
Featured image source: Modi Bhakt/Facebook.