We’ve all heard it before, whether it is on the playground, or at a parent-teacher conference at school. In all my years of life, I’ve heard “boys will be boys” more times than I can count, most often during discussions of a boy’s behavior. Although when we dig deeper into this comment, we see that it continues the negative ideas about what we expect from our boys.
Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood, explaining it as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are the main sources by which men are measured, while supposedly ‘feminine’ traits which can range from emotional vulnerability to simply not being hypersexual are the means by which your status as ‘man’ can be taken away.
Toxic masculinity is the idea that the only way to be a man is through being strong, tough, cold and aggressive. This harms the boys and men who fail to live up to gendered expectations of who they should be. Because toxic masculinity is always a losing game. A vacuum is created when we tell a boy over and over that he is “not a man,” that he needs to “man up” or “grow some balls.” What if that vacuum is filled by a need to prove his power? What if the proof is violence?
We need to stop telling boys and the men in our lives to ‘man up’ when they dare to show emotion or pain. We need to encourage them to drop the tough guise and let them grow up with space for tenderness. They should be allowed to express their emotions without being laughed at or called weak.
Another aspect of toxic masculinity is boys or men not being able to show affection to their very own male friends as it is seen as ‘gay.’ Why is it that women are allowed to do so but not men? What makes the affection from friendship any different between guys than it is between girls? Men should be allowed to love their friends and appreciate their friendships without others assuming their sexuality.
At the end of the day, whether the individual is a boy or a girl, they should be supported for who they are and how they are. They shouldn’t be looked down upon for displaying their emotions. Since when did we decide upon ourselves that crying portrays us as a ‘weakling?’ Crying does not indicate you are a weak individual who is giving up, it simply shows how much you’ve been through. It is completely human to cry.
Toxic masculinity has a wide variety of aspects that fall under it. It can be seen from different perspectives and it goes both ways. It’s almost like a two way street. Domestic violence is any behavior that involves the purpose of gaining power and control over a spouse, partner, girl/boyfriend or intimate family member. It is not just physical abuse. Moreover, abuse is a learned behavior in which it cannot be masked by common excuses such as alcohol, drugs and mental illnesses. As mentioned previously, toxic masculinity is a concept in which it is believed that violence promotes power, control, and strength. This is often taken seriously to the point where it is brought into relationships. Studies have shown that men often engage in domestic violence in order to display dominance over their partner. Domestic violence often associates with actions such as criticizing your partner for what they wear, putting them down, making them feel guilty for not doing things you’d want them to do, using jealousy to justify your actions, and more. Men can be victims of domestic violence too.
Relationships do not have to be like this; we must break away from the rules of society when it comes to toxic masculinity. Society often displays that things must go in a certain way for men and that it’s their right to have it their way because they’re a man. If not, then other means must be used in order to gain what you want but that is not the case. In situations like these, consent and understanding play a role. The ‘power’ must be shared in a relationship and not make it seem as if only one person in the relationship is entitled that power. Sooner or later, we must realize that, above all, respect is required in a relationship. If there isn’t any form of appreciation and consideration towards yourself and the individual, it will just develop into a toxic relationship.