Living in a small district of Haryana can be difficult if you’re a girl, especially being closeted. It’s a nightmare!
My parents wish to marry me before I turn 22. Even thinking of having an arranged marriage with someone I might never be able to feel any romantic or sexual attraction towards is hard. I am the second and youngest of the two daughters in our family. For 16 years I have faced the question that why don’t I have a brother? Apparently, you have to have a brother to be a functioning part of society because a family is incomplete without a son. Ridiculous!
Gender is something people don’t understand, especially if we are taking of the conservative north Indian society. A Hijra community lives a few blocks away from our home, and I met them a few years ago. I don’t remember the time much, but they were strong young people who I instantly admired. They were given a seat on a different chair than the sofas, and I remember the conversation being awkward. On my numerous trips to Delhi, since I was born there and have few relatives there, watching trans people beg for a living is like a background noise.
On a small level, like my school and class, where I go nearly every day, it’s like a common practice to insult fellow tans mates by using slangs like “chakka” because apparently it’s a bigger insult to cisgenders than it is to the trans community.
Talking to a classmate one day I heard something that I never really considered existed until then. He told me that gays make him feel uncomfortable but lesbian couples are so hot when they make out. I don’t think I need to explain further.
The same classmate has also often said that he would love having friends like me who are open, free and independent. But these boys still want to have “cultural” and “traditional” relationships with their girlfriends and future wives. Honestly, I feel sorry for those poor girls.
A classmate of mine is bullied because people suspect him to be homosexual. The said victim is very sweet and silent and doesn’t indulge in so-called “manly” activities. The most stupid thing about the whole ordeal is that nobody even knows whether or not he is gay. But, I’ve seen things like this happen since 7th class, and I have no hope of them ceasing soon. Unless you’re one of the mainstream cool groups, you are most likely to be targeted.
The first time I tried to come out to my then best friend (the keyword is: TRIED), she immediately responded saying I was pranking her. My cousin, who is barely a year older than me, didn’t know that homosexuality existed until I showed her a wedding photo of Sam Tsui and Casey Breves(they are both YouTubers and singers). An acquaintance was heartbroken when Harry Styles made his “no labels” statement.
And my sister, who supports me and my sexuality, wants to have a gay best friend just because they’re cooler and better than straight girls. My father who has given me much liberty compared to other girls in our society, refused to buy a pink shirt because you can’t show feminity when with clients. Stereotypes!
I still have to prove my worth as a girl, and when I tell someone I am not straight, they often either look at me weirdly or consider me as a courageous girl. And I am, both brave and proud. But to an extent, it has nothing to do with who I identify as.
A ‘Straight Pride’ group on Google+ reduces heterosexual pride to homophobia. A 22-year-old stranger in an online conversation told me that men in India have to be masculine because that’s how you are deemed to be capable of taking care of a family. Another person on YouTube posted videos testing “gayness” by sexually assaulting common folk. Videos of burning pride flags and cruelty against the LGBTQ+ community get more likes on Facebook than those with peace and humanity.
In a place where I’m planning come out of the closet, I have a minimum hope of things changing for the better any sooner.
Because in India, as a spokesperson of Gaysi said in a BuzzFeed interview, “Women aren’t allowed even to have a sexuality.”